Thursday, June 23, 2011

Finding closure with cancer

I have come to realize that finding closure with breast cancer takes a very long time;  one probably never has complete closure.   I am 15 months out since my diagnosis and I think I have found very small increments of feeling a  release at times. I don't think it is possible to actually put something like cancer behind you. Perhaps that is o.k. as well. 

Initially I thought that after healing from surgery and chemo, I would be able to move forward with my life and never look back.  Today I realize that is not possible for me and probably not healthy either.
The scars are deep both physically and emotionally.  To ignore them would be a dishonor to my being.

However, I refuse to allow breast cancer to consume my life.  Even if one survives the dreaded disease, if it takes over every waking moment, who is the victor?  Breast cancer is funny like that.  It can take your life in a physical sense AND can take your life in an emotional sense as well.  I refuse to give something  like "invasive duct carcinoma" my joy.  Rather, I will take from it! I will take great resolve, strength, courage, determination, joy, hope and faith. I will take and take and I will be the victor! 

Today I am told I have a 80% survival rate. I think I have 100%!!!!! I am here today and in this moment; when its all said and done, isn't that all that really matters?   So, today the sky is a little bluer, the birds sing just a bit louder, my hope  is high.  My strength, faith, and courage have been tested. I am the victor! 

Now I know, without a doubt, that there will be more trials and tribulations down the road.  It might not be cancer as each new day brings challenges all its own.  Even the bible tells us to take it one day at a time.  Dealing with breast cancer forces you to do just that.  When we can live in the moment and focus on the day at hand, it brings peace to our souls.

So as I write about my journey, it brings healing and closure. The other day I threw away some pamphlets and magazines that were some of my "teaching tools" in dealing with chemo. As I threw them in the trash, I felt a bit of release. It was small but still a bit of letting go.  So, I'll take it where I can get it.  I'll do it in a way that works for me. I'll do it one moment at a time, one day at a time until one day I'll reach that 5 year mark when I can be declared a true survivor!

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