The Calm After The Storm!

 

We all know what it feels like after a storm has passed; the air has a fresh smell about it. Mother earth has had a nice cleansing, the trees glisten with their freshly washed leaves.  It is refreshing and a sense of renewal hangs everywhere.  However, if the storm has taken lives, if it leaves a wake of damage in its path, we will probably not sense the cleansing affect of the storm. We will only see the damage, we will only see the pain and grief.

The devastating storms that struck Kentucky and Indiana in early March took many lives and changed hearts forever.  It left in its path broken buildings, dead bodies,  and survivors who were in shock and grief stricken. 

 It will take time for people and entire communities to rebuild their homes and lives. It will take time to heal the emotional pain and suffering. It will take time to feel somewhat "normal" again.  Time is the ever present healer.  However, even time cannot completely heal the wounds. Time cannot wipe away the scars that remain.  Time will not erase the memories or fear of another storm on the horizon.

Life itself is a lot like those tornados that wreaked havoc on so many.  We all have many storms to endure.  One thing I've come to realize, as long as we live, as long as we take another breath, there will be something dark and foreboding  on the horizon. There will always be an issue, there will always be something that must be dealt with.  It might be losing a job, divorce, losing a loved one, foreclosure, and it might be cancer.  

When you think about it, our storms are always about losing something or someone.  If we can go through life without holding onto people and things so tightly,  if we can learn to live without thinking we own things that we really don't, if we can only relax a bit and realize that everything we enjoy is only borrowed.  This includes all our material possessions, the people we love, and our life itself.  Everything has a beginning and an end. 

As I grow older, I am always amazed at how fast time has gone. It seems like just yesterday that our kids were small and the school and church activities were endless.  I look in awe at how quickly my youth has vanished.  I know that it is so important to accept and enjoy each stage of life we're in. I also know we must have peace with our past in order to have acceptance of the present and future.  I know that each day, no matter what we are enduring, brings blessings to be had. 

I believe if we can accept the natural flow of life, including the aging process, then we will open our hearts and minds to enjoy each day to the fullest.  If we can accept the fact that we won't live forever, that someday we will leave this life for one much better than we ever imagined, we will have made peace with the fact that we are not immortal. 

 I'm not saying to give up the fight.   I'm not saying to throw in the towel.  Always, always give it your all.   However, sometimes when we think its the end, its only the beginning! Think of the lowly caterpillar and the cocoon; when he thought it was the end, when the caterpillar is wrapped in a small and dark cocoon, when he thought it was over and done, it was only the beginning of a new and beautiful creation.

Life is like that.  We are constantly going through transitions. Most of them are so small we miss them.  Many times they happen in tiny increments that take a lot of time. We are all constantly in a state of change.  Even as we age and our skin starts to wrinkle and our memory is fading, we are growing in awareness of what really matters.  

I wish I had the insight thirty years ago that I have now.   However, perhaps that's not how life happens.  Perhaps I am just where I need to be today.  Perhaps my life will come full circle and I have peace in believing that I will live each day knowing that this moment is all I have. Its all any of us have.

We waste so much of our precious time on negative emotions. This only robs us of positive energy which brings all the good things we need to live, love, and laugh.  

Today I will listen to the birds sing, I will breathe in fresh country air, I will write, I will pray and give thanks for my many blessings.  I will honor my life and who I am.  I will acknowledge to our creator that I am just where I need to be and open my heart to new beginnings.

 

WEATHERING THE STORM

I recently made the comment to a friend that I feel like I've never found "my way back" since treatment for breast cancer.  I kept looking for something, an indication that I was back.  Then I had a revelation.  There is no way back! There is only moving forward and making decisions..one at a time that will bring me to a place of peace.

Its been almost two years now.  I can assure you it has been the longest two years of my life.  It seems like forever since that initial diagnosis, surgery, and then chemo. It has changed me more than any other single event in my life....and I've had a few that were quite earth shattering to say the least.

I recently had a 6 month follow up with my oncologist.  I had been feeling a little blue about having to continue on medications, have regular doctor appointments and blood work.  Then I walked into the waiting area of the clinic.  I felt so ashamed of myself and grateful at the same time.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to recognize someone going through chemo. The look of the living dead was all around the room.  Chemo literally sucks the life out of you.  The air hung heavy with fatigue, suffering, and uncertainty.  

Of course, I immediately felt thankful that my outcome had been so fortunate.  There were no major complications from my surgery or chemo....only a long, drawn out process of healing and recovery. But that's o.k. too.
I know it could have been so much worse and if I needed a reminder, all I had to do was look around the room.

My appointment went well.  My labs were great. We discussed how I was tolerating the tamoxifen.  I haven't been on it quite a year yet but it is much more tolerable than the arimidex. Fatigue is my biggest compliant but since I am still not employed, I am able to deal with it.  I know I am blessed.

Then its off for the annual mammogram. This was negative as well.  WooHoo! That's always a difficult one to get through. Last year I had to go back for a spot compression of my right breast and it scared me to death!

So, I will continue to weather this storm....and the next...and the next.  I will gain strength and courage from each challenge I must face. I will try to take life one day at a time and recognize blessings that each day brings......and there are so many! 

FATHER TIME

I simply don't know where the year went! It seems like a few weeks ago we were ringing in the new year of 2011; now already, we are ready to celebrate a brand new year!  Father Time doesn't wait for anything or anybody....he marches to the beat of his own drum. The rhythm changes from day to day but he continues on....

Sometimes we get a harsh reminder, an awakening of sorts that time is so very precious.  We lose someone very close to us or get a potentially terminal diagnosis.  It is emotionally shocking and turns our world upside down.  We are forced to face the unknown which in all actuality, we do each day anyway.  We are forced to reckon with Father Time!

Father Time has brought me much pain, he has brought much joy, he has brought many, many lessons. Father Time has been my greatest teacher.  He has taught me unconditional love, patience, grace, respect, courage, self-awareness, peace, faith and hope.
He has brought me family and friendships that I treasure. He is my friend and not my foe.  


Father Time has taught me that we should enjoy each new day as if it were our last.  I don't always practice this; I get caught up in everyday life just like everyone else.  I am constantly reminding myself to live in the moment.  

When we spend our time worrying about tomorrow and living in the past, it only robs us of the present. It robs us of very precious time. It robs us of the here and now.  


I am ready to take Father Time by the hand and march into 2012. I am ready for abundant blessings like  our new grandchild! I am anticipating travels, nature, friendships, writing. I want to finish a book (and get it published), learn to play some dulcimer!  I am ready for some health and happiness. I am ready for a new job and new opportunities.   I am ready for this new year, each new day and new beginnings.  


2012 HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!

HIKING MT. LECONTE: I MADE IT TO THE TOP!

NEED I SAY MORE?

 
Terry and I @ Cliff Tops

This hike has been on my bucket list for a long, long time.  A few months ago I decided it was time. I'm going to hike Mt. Leconte this year. For me, it was a symbolization that I had finally made it. I had made it through the valley and to the very top of my mountain!  I knew it would be a challenge...and it was!

We begun our hike at 7:30 a.m. via Alum Cave Trail.  We hiked at a gentle slop for about an hour. There was a nice rolling stream which is typical of The Smokey Mountains.
Then the upward climb begun. We reached Arch Rock which was an amazing huge rock that we hiked up stairs to get through.  Up and up we went. Next we reached Alum Cave. We knew this was the half way point of the trail.( Many people don't proceed past this point.) For us, it was a nice resting spot. There was no turning back now! We proceeded onward or upward should I say.  The views on up the mountain were amazing.  We hiked slowly so as not to miss anything. Ha. Many hikers passed us along the way;  I didn't care. I just wanted to make it to the top.  The last hour seemed the longest. Are we there yet? We talked with hikers coming down the mountain; one guy shared this was his 17th hike to Mt. Leconte. He had taken every trail up except one; this particular trail was his favorite, he said.

When we finally reached the top (12 noon) and it really wasn't at all what I expected.  We walked down a path to some rustic cottages, found a restroom, and the "dining room".  To get a really awesome view,  we had to sit on the porch of the Lodge or Office. It was cold and windy! However, I was prepared. We had gloves, hats, and warmer coats.  We shared a sack lunch of bagel, applesauce, oreo cookies.....and a chocolate oatmeal cookie square. Yum, yum. Oh, and hot chocolate!

The lamas were there; this was their day to bring supplies up the mountain. They come Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays via Trillium Trail. When we saw them they had been unpacked and  enjoying a nice lunch of some sort of grain.

Then we found another small trail 0.2 mile that would take us further up the mountain. (Most people don't hike past the Lodge)  This is where we were told we could get that awesome view.  It was called Cliff Top's.  It was amazing. We sat here for awhile just taking in the serenity of the place and letting the peace of these beautiful mountains soak in.

There is still another trail called Myrtles Point but its another 0.8 mile eastward.  We decided this would wait for our NEXT trip.  I had already decided next time would be an overnight trip.  The cottages are booked up about a year in advance. They are primitive with no electricity or running water.

We visited the office before beginning our descent down the mountain. I wanted to leave by 2 p.m. as to give us plenty of time before dark. I purchased a purple long sleeve tee and I was ready! Or so I thought.

The trip down was almost as hard as trek up the mountain. However, it only took us 3 1/2 hours to descend. I was totally exhausted and wondering if either of us would be able to move tomorrow!  My legs felt weak and wobbly; I stumbled more than once which made me just a little bit nervous.  There were several areas that are treacherous with only a metal cable to hold onto. Hold on I did!

When we finally made it back to Alum Cave;  I knew I would be o.k. The mountain becomes more forgiving from here on out.   We had plenty of time before dusk so I wasn't worried about running out of daylight.

5:30 p.m. we reached the trail head. WOOHOO! Big fist bump! It was both exhausting and exhilarating. It signified to me that I "was back".  I had conquered that mountain. If I could hike Mt. Leconte, then well, I've finally made it up that Mountain!

Now on to some refreshments and nourishment. Smokey Mountain Brewery.......HERE WE COME!

MY SISTER-FRIENDS

I have been so very blessed in my life......God has given me so much to enjoy, so much grace and love.
Two of my biggest blessings are my  sisters. I call them sister-friends.  We have had so much fun together. When the three of us are fortunate enough to be spending time together it is a very special time.

We go back into another life.....way back to a time when life was so much simpler, harder but simpler.
We were a family of seven, 3 girls, 2 boys, and mom & dad.  I was the middle child with two younger brothers and two older sisters.  That was a difficult spot to be in!

We've been through so much together....marriages, divorces, pregnancy and childbirth, loss of our brothers and parents.  I reminded them last year that we are more than sisters now; we are our parents, our brothers, and our past all wrapped up together. Our friendship and relationship as sisters is golden.  It is sacred. 

They are exactly two years apart in age. Now that was some real timing on mom and dad's behalf.  When we were very young, mom would often dress them alike.  Then they got older and found their individuality. Next week we'll be celebrating their birthdays. We'll all be together and that's always a special treat.  

My sisters stood by me last year during the most difficult period of my life. They were there for surgery and  chemo, wig shopping and beyond.  We spent time together, we laughed and we cried.   We hugged and we loved our way right through the year.  They understood me when no one else did.  We shared it all.  

After my final surgery and chemo was complete, we went to the beach together.  It was the very first time we've all had a beach vacation together. We'd talked about doing it forever and we finally did!  We had a wonderful time together; we watched the sting rays swim up the beach each morning as we dined on the terrace.   We walked on the beach often holding hands.  We enjoyed some beautiful sunsets.
On our last day, we built a big sandcastle. That was such fun.  I was sore for days from all the hard work. 


So, my dearest sister-friends, as we get ready to celebrate your special days....know that you are so very dear to me.  I love you both with all my heart.  You are two of my greatest blessings.  You are such a huge part of my world.  I am thankful for you and the love and friendship we share.

LEAVING A LEGACY

I'm beginning to think that I have "bloggers block"!!!!  When I first began to blog it was intended to be focused on breast cancer; I wanted it to be inspirational and uplifting!  Problem is I don't always feel positive and inspired when I want to write.  Sometimes I feel tired; other times I feel uncertain.   We all have good days and bad days; its part of life.  Its all o.k.

Today was a "bad day".  Although I got up and walked my two hours in the early a.m., I just never could get my groove on.  I feel tired and totally exhausted.  I realize its probably the tamoxifen.  However, I also realize it could be so many other things; it could be emotional and/or the foods I've been eating.  That chocolate ice cream cone last evening was mighty good but it sure wasn't what my body needed! But then, its not all about need, is it?


I read an obituary yesterday of a 55 year old that lost her life to breast cancer.  I didn't know her personally but she lived in the same town that I grew up in.  She was a mother, grandmother, wife, business person, and she was a breast cancer victim.  I just haven't been able to get it out of my head.  I keep thinking of her family, the loss they feel.  I wonder what her diagnosis was, how many nodes were involved, her stage...and so on.  I wonder how long she battled the disease and all the particulars about it!  She was a beautiful lady and I know she will be dearly missed.

My heart broke last year when Elizabeth Edward's lost her battle.  She was such a warrior.  She had endured so much in her personal life and it seemed so unfair that she would have to fight breast cancer as well.  But then, life is not always fair.  Its not always easy.  It is what it is, and we just have to try and make the best of it.

So, whether we are making our way through chemo, recovering from surgery or on the losing end and in hospice care........we need to have courage; we need to have faith; we need to have love. 

I certainly don't know if breast cancer will take my life but I do know that something will!  This life isn't meant to last  forever and we must try to live in the moment, in the now!  We must try and have grace and dignity whatever our circumstances.  This is the legacy we will leave for our loved ones!

NEW LIFE

A wren has built a nest in one of my large ferns.  There were three tiny eggs in it; I've been checking it on a regular basis and trying to make sure I don't water near it. Today I looked in and there are the tiniest of baby chicks in there! They must have hatched last night.  When the little bird raised its head and opened its beak, I was in awe at how life happens and how very fragile it really is.

We got another phone call a few weeks ago from our daughter.  I knew when she asked me to put her father on what she had to tell us.  She is pregnant!  I am so happy for the both of them; she wants to be a mother so bad. She had a miscarriage earlier in the year and wanted to get pregnant again right away....and so she did!

One of the greatest miracles of this world is to have a new life growing inside you.  Even though you do everything imaginable to prepare for this new little one, there is no preparing for how it will change your life. You feel love in a way you never did before; it is different from the way you love your spouse or your parents. It takes love to a whole new level.

New life, babies of any kind are so cute.  However, they all grow up.  And then we grow old (if we're fortunate). See, the thing about life is, once we're born, we live our lives and don't usually know how long we have here.....Its a good thing we don't know our destiny. We would worry and try to change the outcome of our life.

My husband is at another funeral this morning; his aunt died of cancer. She was his father's sister.  He shared how he was sorry that he hadn't visited her and spent some time together.  She seemed to be a very special lady he said.  You see, we get so caught up in "living" that we often miss out on the people  that can bring us so much joy and love.  Then, when its over....well, there is no going back.   We can't change the past but we can change how we live the rest of our life.

Life is a continuous cycle. We are born, we live and we die. That's just the way its suppose to be.  I certainly don't know the destiny of the tiny little birds in the nest. I hope they grow and flourish; I hope they fly!  I don't know the destiny of my new little grand child. I know it will be loved and cared for in a wonderful way. 

Today I celebrate new life! Whether its a survivor getting a new chance at life, a new baby chick, or a newborn babe, its all a miracle to me.  Its all to be celebrated. Its all to be rejoiced!