Spring is my favorite season. Its a time of new life. New beginnings. An awakening of Mother Earth. It is a time to watch in wonder as the trees again come to life. Birds sing loudly searching for a mate. Frogs in the nearby pond croak reminding me that Winter is almost behind us once again. Its a time of renewal. Its a time of Hope, of Faith.
A few months ago I began having more troubling symptoms....headaches, dizziness, disorientation. Of course, I feared the worse. My oncologist asked if I thought it was the tamoxifen. No. I really didn't. I had been on this particular medication for three years. Why now? Whatever it was, I felt like it was literally sucking the life right out of my body! Then I went off the tamoxifen.....just to see. Within three days most of the symptoms were gone. It was the tamoxifen.
Six weeks later I go back to my oncologist. She had ordered an MRI of the brain. No, I didn't have it done. By the time it was actually scheduled, my symptoms had dissipated. I don't want to do this anymore. I tell her that I feel I've never gotten my life back since dealing with breast cancer. You can have it back in five years she said. Lets try this other medication. Aromasin. She orders the prescription. I let her. I'm still not sure what I want to do. Should I try this new medication? Try to make it another year and half.....or say enough already. Step out in Faith. Listen to my spirit. Listen to my body.
I have forgotten what it feels like to have a body full of energy, full of adventure. I have forgotten how my life was before this nightmare began. There is a small voice inside me saying...."I'm still here". Don't forget. There is Hope. Have Faith. Lets start over! And so I will.
I am listening to my body. I am listening and making Executive Decisions! I am listening the way I did when I made decisions regarding my surgery and treatment. I weighed my options and outcomes and made my OWN decisions based on my body and what I felt was right for me. It hasn't been easy. I again weighed the consequences. I realized that if I ever have to deal with breast cancer again, I might blame myself. Knowing there is always that possibility and also knowing the medication decreased that risk, I will step out in Faith. I know my body and it has had enough. Every fiber of my being screams for relief.
I have made my decision and I am at PEACE with it. I will not look back. I will not have regrets. No matter the outcome, I am doing what I need to do today. There are no absolutes. No guarantees. Life is ambiguous. I accept responsibility for my decisions, for my life. I am Springing forward. Just like Mother Earth, I am longing for new life....new hope and a new beginning.