I recently made the comment to a friend that I feel like I've never found "my way back" since treatment for breast cancer. I kept looking for something, an indication that I was back. Then I had a revelation. There is no way back! There is only moving forward and making decisions..one at a time that will bring me to a place of peace.
Its been almost two years now. I can assure you it has been the longest two years of my life. It seems like forever since that initial diagnosis, surgery, and then chemo. It has changed me more than any other single event in my life....and I've had a few that were quite earth shattering to say the least.
I recently had a 6 month follow up with my oncologist. I had been feeling a little blue about having to continue on medications, have regular doctor appointments and blood work. Then I walked into the waiting area of the clinic. I felt so ashamed of myself and grateful at the same time.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to recognize someone going through chemo. The look of the living dead was all around the room. Chemo literally sucks the life out of you. The air hung heavy with fatigue, suffering, and uncertainty.
Of course, I immediately felt thankful that my outcome had been so fortunate. There were no major complications from my surgery or chemo....only a long, drawn out process of healing and recovery. But that's o.k. too.
I know it could have been so much worse and if I needed a reminder, all I had to do was look around the room.
My appointment went well. My labs were great. We discussed how I was tolerating the tamoxifen. I haven't been on it quite a year yet but it is much more tolerable than the arimidex. Fatigue is my biggest compliant but since I am still not employed, I am able to deal with it. I know I am blessed.
Then its off for the annual mammogram. This was negative as well. WooHoo! That's always a difficult one to get through. Last year I had to go back for a spot compression of my right breast and it scared me to death!
So, I will continue to weather this storm....and the next...and the next. I will gain strength and courage from each challenge I must face. I will try to take life one day at a time and recognize blessings that each day brings......and there are so many!