I simply don't know where the year went! It seems like a few weeks ago we were ringing in the new year of 2011; now already, we are ready to celebrate a brand new year! Father Time doesn't wait for anything or anybody....he marches to the beat of his own drum. The rhythm changes from day to day but he continues on....
Sometimes we get a harsh reminder, an awakening of sorts that time is so very precious. We lose someone very close to us or get a potentially terminal diagnosis. It is emotionally shocking and turns our world upside down. We are forced to face the unknown which in all actuality, we do each day anyway. We are forced to reckon with Father Time!
Father Time has brought me much pain, he has brought much joy, he has brought many, many lessons. Father Time has been my greatest teacher. He has taught me unconditional love, patience, grace, respect, courage, self-awareness, peace, faith and hope.
He has brought me family and friendships that I treasure. He is my friend and not my foe.
Father Time has taught me that we should enjoy each new day as if it were our last. I don't always practice this; I get caught up in everyday life just like everyone else. I am constantly reminding myself to live in the moment.
When we spend our time worrying about tomorrow and living in the past, it only robs us of the present. It robs us of very precious time. It robs us of the here and now.
I am ready to take Father Time by the hand and march into 2012. I am ready for abundant blessings like our new grandchild! I am anticipating travels, nature, friendships, writing. I want to finish a book (and get it published), learn to play some dulcimer! I am ready for some health and happiness. I am ready for a new job and new opportunities. I am ready for this new year, each new day and new beginnings.
2012 HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
HIKING MT. LECONTE: I MADE IT TO THE TOP!
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| NEED I SAY MORE? |
 Terry and I @ Cliff Tops This hike has been on my bucket list for a long, long time. A few months ago I decided it was time. I'm going to hike Mt. Leconte this year. For me, it was a symbolization that I had finally made it. I had made it through the valley and to the very top of my mountain! I knew it would be a challenge...and it was! We begun our hike at 7:30 a.m. via Alum Cave Trail. We hiked at a gentle slop for about an hour. There was a nice rolling stream which is typical of The Smokey Mountains. Then the upward climb begun. We reached Arch Rock which was an amazing huge rock that we hiked up stairs to get through. Up and up we went. Next we reached Alum Cave. We knew this was the half way point of the trail.( Many people don't proceed past this point.) For us, it was a nice resting spot. There was no turning back now! We proceeded onward or upward should I say. The views on up the mountain were amazing. We hiked slowly so as not to miss anything. Ha. Many hikers passed us along the way; I didn't care. I just wanted to make it to the top. The last hour seemed the longest. Are we there yet? We talked with hikers coming down the mountain; one guy shared this was his 17th hike to Mt. Leconte. He had taken every trail up except one; this particular trail was his favorite, he said. When we finally reached the top (12 noon) and it really wasn't at all what I expected. We walked down a path to some rustic cottages, found a restroom, and the "dining room". To get a really awesome view, we had to sit on the porch of the Lodge or Office. It was cold and windy! However, I was prepared. We had gloves, hats, and warmer coats. We shared a sack lunch of bagel, applesauce, oreo cookies.....and a chocolate oatmeal cookie square. Yum, yum. Oh, and hot chocolate! The lamas were there; this was their day to bring supplies up the mountain. They come Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays via Trillium Trail. When we saw them they had been unpacked and enjoying a nice lunch of some sort of grain. Then we found another small trail 0.2 mile that would take us further up the mountain. (Most people don't hike past the Lodge) This is where we were told we could get that awesome view. It was called Cliff Top's. It was amazing. We sat here for awhile just taking in the serenity of the place and letting the peace of these beautiful mountains soak in. There is still another trail called Myrtles Point but its another 0.8 mile eastward. We decided this would wait for our NEXT trip. I had already decided next time would be an overnight trip. The cottages are booked up about a year in advance. They are primitive with no electricity or running water. We visited the office before beginning our descent down the mountain. I wanted to leave by 2 p.m. as to give us plenty of time before dark. I purchased a purple long sleeve tee and I was ready! Or so I thought. The trip down was almost as hard as trek up the mountain. However, it only took us 3 1/2 hours to descend. I was totally exhausted and wondering if either of us would be able to move tomorrow! My legs felt weak and wobbly; I stumbled more than once which made me just a little bit nervous. There were several areas that are treacherous with only a metal cable to hold onto. Hold on I did! When we finally made it back to Alum Cave; I knew I would be o.k. The mountain becomes more forgiving from here on out. We had plenty of time before dusk so I wasn't worried about running out of daylight.  Now on to some refreshments and nourishment. Smokey Mountain Brewery.......HERE WE COME! | |
Saturday, August 27, 2011
MY SISTER-FRIENDS
I have been so very blessed in my life......God has given me so much to enjoy, so much grace and love.
Two of my biggest blessings are my sisters. I call them sister-friends. We have had so much fun together. When the three of us are fortunate enough to be spending time together it is a very special time.
We go back into another life.....way back to a time when life was so much simpler, harder but simpler.
We were a family of seven, 3 girls, 2 boys, and mom & dad. I was the middle child with two younger brothers and two older sisters. That was a difficult spot to be in!
We've been through so much together....marriages, divorces, pregnancy and childbirth, loss of our brothers and parents. I reminded them last year that we are more than sisters now; we are our parents, our brothers, and our past all wrapped up together. Our friendship and relationship as sisters is golden. It is sacred.
They are exactly two years apart in age. Now that was some real timing on mom and dad's behalf. When we were very young, mom would often dress them alike. Then they got older and found their individuality. Next week we'll be celebrating their birthdays. We'll all be together and that's always a special treat.
My sisters stood by me last year during the most difficult period of my life. They were there for surgery and chemo, wig shopping and beyond. We spent time together, we laughed and we cried. We hugged and we loved our way right through the year. They understood me when no one else did. We shared it all.
After my final surgery and chemo was complete, we went to the beach together. It was the very first time we've all had a beach vacation together. We'd talked about doing it forever and we finally did! We had a wonderful time together; we watched the sting rays swim up the beach each morning as we dined on the terrace. We walked on the beach often holding hands. We enjoyed some beautiful sunsets.
On our last day, we built a big sandcastle. That was such fun. I was sore for days from all the hard work.
So, my dearest sister-friends, as we get ready to celebrate your special days....know that you are so very dear to me. I love you both with all my heart. You are two of my greatest blessings. You are such a huge part of my world. I am thankful for you and the love and friendship we share.
Two of my biggest blessings are my sisters. I call them sister-friends. We have had so much fun together. When the three of us are fortunate enough to be spending time together it is a very special time.
We go back into another life.....way back to a time when life was so much simpler, harder but simpler.
We were a family of seven, 3 girls, 2 boys, and mom & dad. I was the middle child with two younger brothers and two older sisters. That was a difficult spot to be in!
We've been through so much together....marriages, divorces, pregnancy and childbirth, loss of our brothers and parents. I reminded them last year that we are more than sisters now; we are our parents, our brothers, and our past all wrapped up together. Our friendship and relationship as sisters is golden. It is sacred.
They are exactly two years apart in age. Now that was some real timing on mom and dad's behalf. When we were very young, mom would often dress them alike. Then they got older and found their individuality. Next week we'll be celebrating their birthdays. We'll all be together and that's always a special treat.
My sisters stood by me last year during the most difficult period of my life. They were there for surgery and chemo, wig shopping and beyond. We spent time together, we laughed and we cried. We hugged and we loved our way right through the year. They understood me when no one else did. We shared it all.
After my final surgery and chemo was complete, we went to the beach together. It was the very first time we've all had a beach vacation together. We'd talked about doing it forever and we finally did! We had a wonderful time together; we watched the sting rays swim up the beach each morning as we dined on the terrace. We walked on the beach often holding hands. We enjoyed some beautiful sunsets.
On our last day, we built a big sandcastle. That was such fun. I was sore for days from all the hard work.
So, my dearest sister-friends, as we get ready to celebrate your special days....know that you are so very dear to me. I love you both with all my heart. You are two of my greatest blessings. You are such a huge part of my world. I am thankful for you and the love and friendship we share.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
LEAVING A LEGACY
I'm beginning to think that I have "bloggers block"!!!! When I first began to blog it was intended to be focused on breast cancer; I wanted it to be inspirational and uplifting! Problem is I don't always feel positive and inspired when I want to write. Sometimes I feel tired; other times I feel uncertain. We all have good days and bad days; its part of life. Its all o.k.
Today was a "bad day". Although I got up and walked my two hours in the early a.m., I just never could get my groove on. I feel tired and totally exhausted. I realize its probably the tamoxifen. However, I also realize it could be so many other things; it could be emotional and/or the foods I've been eating. That chocolate ice cream cone last evening was mighty good but it sure wasn't what my body needed! But then, its not all about need, is it?
I read an obituary yesterday of a 55 year old that lost her life to breast cancer. I didn't know her personally but she lived in the same town that I grew up in. She was a mother, grandmother, wife, business person, and she was a breast cancer victim. I just haven't been able to get it out of my head. I keep thinking of her family, the loss they feel. I wonder what her diagnosis was, how many nodes were involved, her stage...and so on. I wonder how long she battled the disease and all the particulars about it! She was a beautiful lady and I know she will be dearly missed.
My heart broke last year when Elizabeth Edward's lost her battle. She was such a warrior. She had endured so much in her personal life and it seemed so unfair that she would have to fight breast cancer as well. But then, life is not always fair. Its not always easy. It is what it is, and we just have to try and make the best of it.
So, whether we are making our way through chemo, recovering from surgery or on the losing end and in hospice care........we need to have courage; we need to have faith; we need to have love.
I certainly don't know if breast cancer will take my life but I do know that something will! This life isn't meant to last forever and we must try to live in the moment, in the now! We must try and have grace and dignity whatever our circumstances. This is the legacy we will leave for our loved ones!
Today was a "bad day". Although I got up and walked my two hours in the early a.m., I just never could get my groove on. I feel tired and totally exhausted. I realize its probably the tamoxifen. However, I also realize it could be so many other things; it could be emotional and/or the foods I've been eating. That chocolate ice cream cone last evening was mighty good but it sure wasn't what my body needed! But then, its not all about need, is it?
I read an obituary yesterday of a 55 year old that lost her life to breast cancer. I didn't know her personally but she lived in the same town that I grew up in. She was a mother, grandmother, wife, business person, and she was a breast cancer victim. I just haven't been able to get it out of my head. I keep thinking of her family, the loss they feel. I wonder what her diagnosis was, how many nodes were involved, her stage...and so on. I wonder how long she battled the disease and all the particulars about it! She was a beautiful lady and I know she will be dearly missed.
My heart broke last year when Elizabeth Edward's lost her battle. She was such a warrior. She had endured so much in her personal life and it seemed so unfair that she would have to fight breast cancer as well. But then, life is not always fair. Its not always easy. It is what it is, and we just have to try and make the best of it.
So, whether we are making our way through chemo, recovering from surgery or on the losing end and in hospice care........we need to have courage; we need to have faith; we need to have love.
I certainly don't know if breast cancer will take my life but I do know that something will! This life isn't meant to last forever and we must try to live in the moment, in the now! We must try and have grace and dignity whatever our circumstances. This is the legacy we will leave for our loved ones!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
NEW LIFE
A wren has built a nest in one of my large ferns. There were three tiny eggs in it; I've been checking it on a regular basis and trying to make sure I don't water near it. Today I looked in and there are the tiniest of baby chicks in there! They must have hatched last night. When the little bird raised its head and opened its beak, I was in awe at how life happens and how very fragile it really is.
We got another phone call a few weeks ago from our daughter. I knew when she asked me to put her father on what she had to tell us. She is pregnant! I am so happy for the both of them; she wants to be a mother so bad. She had a miscarriage earlier in the year and wanted to get pregnant again right away....and so she did!
One of the greatest miracles of this world is to have a new life growing inside you. Even though you do everything imaginable to prepare for this new little one, there is no preparing for how it will change your life. You feel love in a way you never did before; it is different from the way you love your spouse or your parents. It takes love to a whole new level.
New life, babies of any kind are so cute. However, they all grow up. And then we grow old (if we're fortunate). See, the thing about life is, once we're born, we live our lives and don't usually know how long we have here.....Its a good thing we don't know our destiny. We would worry and try to change the outcome of our life.
My husband is at another funeral this morning; his aunt died of cancer. She was his father's sister. He shared how he was sorry that he hadn't visited her and spent some time together. She seemed to be a very special lady he said. You see, we get so caught up in "living" that we often miss out on the people that can bring us so much joy and love. Then, when its over....well, there is no going back. We can't change the past but we can change how we live the rest of our life.
Life is a continuous cycle. We are born, we live and we die. That's just the way its suppose to be. I certainly don't know the destiny of the tiny little birds in the nest. I hope they grow and flourish; I hope they fly! I don't know the destiny of my new little grand child. I know it will be loved and cared for in a wonderful way.
Today I celebrate new life! Whether its a survivor getting a new chance at life, a new baby chick, or a newborn babe, its all a miracle to me. Its all to be celebrated. Its all to be rejoiced!
We got another phone call a few weeks ago from our daughter. I knew when she asked me to put her father on what she had to tell us. She is pregnant! I am so happy for the both of them; she wants to be a mother so bad. She had a miscarriage earlier in the year and wanted to get pregnant again right away....and so she did!
One of the greatest miracles of this world is to have a new life growing inside you. Even though you do everything imaginable to prepare for this new little one, there is no preparing for how it will change your life. You feel love in a way you never did before; it is different from the way you love your spouse or your parents. It takes love to a whole new level.
New life, babies of any kind are so cute. However, they all grow up. And then we grow old (if we're fortunate). See, the thing about life is, once we're born, we live our lives and don't usually know how long we have here.....Its a good thing we don't know our destiny. We would worry and try to change the outcome of our life.
My husband is at another funeral this morning; his aunt died of cancer. She was his father's sister. He shared how he was sorry that he hadn't visited her and spent some time together. She seemed to be a very special lady he said. You see, we get so caught up in "living" that we often miss out on the people that can bring us so much joy and love. Then, when its over....well, there is no going back. We can't change the past but we can change how we live the rest of our life.
Life is a continuous cycle. We are born, we live and we die. That's just the way its suppose to be. I certainly don't know the destiny of the tiny little birds in the nest. I hope they grow and flourish; I hope they fly! I don't know the destiny of my new little grand child. I know it will be loved and cared for in a wonderful way.
Today I celebrate new life! Whether its a survivor getting a new chance at life, a new baby chick, or a newborn babe, its all a miracle to me. Its all to be celebrated. Its all to be rejoiced!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
STORMY WEATHER
This time last year I was in the midst of chemo. Its amazing how much difference a year can make. Looking back now, it all seems very surreal. I would have never thought (in my wildest of dreams) that I would have been diagnosed with breast cancer. I never saw it coming. However, I got through it....with the help of Faith, Family, and Friends.
When I began dealing with surgeries and treatment, I really wanted to get it all finished in the year of 2010. I was able to reach my goal. 2010 will always be the year that I dealt with breast cancer. However, I also thought that I would put it all behind me and move on with my life. That is one reason I decided to do chemo. It wasn't something the doctor recommended but was entirely my choice. My oncotype dx was higher than I would have liked and I didn't want to always be looking over my shoulder for the big "C". Although my sentinel node was negative, my oncotype dx was 29. I listened to my spirit. Everything within me said do the chemo and so I did.
Traveling through treatment for breast cancer was definitely the most traumatic experience I have endured. Although I know I had love and prayers, I often felt so very alone. I knew this was a journey that I had to take and no one ....absolutely no one could do it for me. I made it through the valley and I'm a much stronger person today for it.
There is so much to deal with when you're handed a diagnosis like cancer. Of course, you have the medical aspect of treatment, side effects from all the toxins floating around inside your body, dealing with insurance statements and paying the endless bills. It was a full time job for me keeping up with all the EOBs, matching them to bills and making sure everything was paid. I was just grateful we had the money to pay the seemingly endless bills. I think the most difficult aspect was the emotional pain. People treat you different when you have cancer. Some disappear never to be heard from again. It sure helps you "weed out" real people and, for myself, I came to the full realization that I only had a handful of people I could count on.
I had a friend tell me not to long ago that he was sorry that he wasn't there for me last year like he should have been. Oh, I got a few phone calls from him throughout the summer but he never came to visit. He wasn't present but then, so many other people weren't either. I was impressed that he even knew he wasn't there for me.
Then you have other people who treat you like you're dying.....well, aren't we all! I have people who ask....are you in remission? Completely ....I say. Although I've never had a PET scan or tumor marking, I believe myself to be completely cancer free.
I shared with someone a few days ago that I have been walking 2-3 miles each morning. We've been getting up and walking before sunrise just trying to beat the heat. I know that exercise is so very important in helping to ensure I don't have to deal with this monster again. Anyway, this lady asks "should you be doing that?" ....like I'm an invalid or something.
I feel very different than I did one year ago; I look very different as well. I decided not to color my hair and it is salt and pepper. Its very short. I like it. Its the new me. I've lost about 10 pounds but that was due to my thyroid issue after treatment. Most importantly, I feel very different inside.
I know that life will always bring storms and sometimes we might have to dance in the rain. I know that as long as there are people in our lives, they will disappoint us....I know that I have inner strength and courage that I never knew existed. I know that life is short and we really don't have forever to do whatever it is we're here for. I know there is a place to go inside when I am scared or confused. I know that I am not afraid to die and it will be a wonderful transition into the spiritual realm. I know the power of prayer. I know that bad things don't just happen to other people. I know that we are suppose to live our lives one day at a time.......
For many, the calm after the storm isn't quite as calm as we thought it would be. The effects of chemo don't quite go away after treatment is finished. There can be neuropathy and permanent damage to vital organs. I'm not sure if the chemo caused my thyroid issue but I have read where many people developed thyroid problems while being treated with chemo. It really doesn't matter. It is what it is. I will have to take synthroid for the rest of my life; I will also have to take tamoxifen for 5 years. So far, the side effects from that hasn't been too bad. .......other than those horrid hot flashes. At times I feel like I'm going to spontaneous combust!
My storm brought challenges, it gave me insight and wisdom. However, the calm that I thought would come after making it through treatment really doesn't exist. It is an illusion. Pehaps as the years go by and I make it through that 5 year window.....perhaps as the emotional wounds heal and the body fully recovers from chemo. Perhaps there really is a calm after the storm but I haven't gotten there yet? Perhaps?
Today I take nothing for granted.....NOTHING. I don't know what storms tomorrow might bring but I do know that I am strong. I am a survivor.
When I began dealing with surgeries and treatment, I really wanted to get it all finished in the year of 2010. I was able to reach my goal. 2010 will always be the year that I dealt with breast cancer. However, I also thought that I would put it all behind me and move on with my life. That is one reason I decided to do chemo. It wasn't something the doctor recommended but was entirely my choice. My oncotype dx was higher than I would have liked and I didn't want to always be looking over my shoulder for the big "C". Although my sentinel node was negative, my oncotype dx was 29. I listened to my spirit. Everything within me said do the chemo and so I did.
Traveling through treatment for breast cancer was definitely the most traumatic experience I have endured. Although I know I had love and prayers, I often felt so very alone. I knew this was a journey that I had to take and no one ....absolutely no one could do it for me. I made it through the valley and I'm a much stronger person today for it.
There is so much to deal with when you're handed a diagnosis like cancer. Of course, you have the medical aspect of treatment, side effects from all the toxins floating around inside your body, dealing with insurance statements and paying the endless bills. It was a full time job for me keeping up with all the EOBs, matching them to bills and making sure everything was paid. I was just grateful we had the money to pay the seemingly endless bills. I think the most difficult aspect was the emotional pain. People treat you different when you have cancer. Some disappear never to be heard from again. It sure helps you "weed out" real people and, for myself, I came to the full realization that I only had a handful of people I could count on.
I had a friend tell me not to long ago that he was sorry that he wasn't there for me last year like he should have been. Oh, I got a few phone calls from him throughout the summer but he never came to visit. He wasn't present but then, so many other people weren't either. I was impressed that he even knew he wasn't there for me.
Then you have other people who treat you like you're dying.....well, aren't we all! I have people who ask....are you in remission? Completely ....I say. Although I've never had a PET scan or tumor marking, I believe myself to be completely cancer free.
I shared with someone a few days ago that I have been walking 2-3 miles each morning. We've been getting up and walking before sunrise just trying to beat the heat. I know that exercise is so very important in helping to ensure I don't have to deal with this monster again. Anyway, this lady asks "should you be doing that?" ....like I'm an invalid or something.
I feel very different than I did one year ago; I look very different as well. I decided not to color my hair and it is salt and pepper. Its very short. I like it. Its the new me. I've lost about 10 pounds but that was due to my thyroid issue after treatment. Most importantly, I feel very different inside.
I know that life will always bring storms and sometimes we might have to dance in the rain. I know that as long as there are people in our lives, they will disappoint us....I know that I have inner strength and courage that I never knew existed. I know that life is short and we really don't have forever to do whatever it is we're here for. I know there is a place to go inside when I am scared or confused. I know that I am not afraid to die and it will be a wonderful transition into the spiritual realm. I know the power of prayer. I know that bad things don't just happen to other people. I know that we are suppose to live our lives one day at a time.......
For many, the calm after the storm isn't quite as calm as we thought it would be. The effects of chemo don't quite go away after treatment is finished. There can be neuropathy and permanent damage to vital organs. I'm not sure if the chemo caused my thyroid issue but I have read where many people developed thyroid problems while being treated with chemo. It really doesn't matter. It is what it is. I will have to take synthroid for the rest of my life; I will also have to take tamoxifen for 5 years. So far, the side effects from that hasn't been too bad. .......other than those horrid hot flashes. At times I feel like I'm going to spontaneous combust!
My storm brought challenges, it gave me insight and wisdom. However, the calm that I thought would come after making it through treatment really doesn't exist. It is an illusion. Pehaps as the years go by and I make it through that 5 year window.....perhaps as the emotional wounds heal and the body fully recovers from chemo. Perhaps there really is a calm after the storm but I haven't gotten there yet? Perhaps?
Today I take nothing for granted.....NOTHING. I don't know what storms tomorrow might bring but I do know that I am strong. I am a survivor.
Monday, July 18, 2011
IT CAN ALWAYS BE WORSE!
Gilda Radner's famous line as Rosa Anna Rose Annadanna was "Its always something". I think she was onto something there! It is always something and as we live our life, each day will bring new trials and challenges of its own! The secret is, (I think) to learn to meet these challenges head on, learn and grow from them....this will prepare you for the next!
My dear mother in law has been dealing with the challenge of being married to a man who is verbally abusive and just downright mean. He is a miserable person and apparently wants everyone else to be as well. She lost her husband and father of her children almost 25 years ago. She has been with this "jerk" for 17 years. Its been a long and rocky road. Well, He (the jerk ) left her (again) the other day; I'm saying "AMEN"! She is in the midst of dealing with this crisis when she happens to be the person to discover the body of her brother in law. He was like a brother to her; she was going over to have coffee with him and as she turned the corner she saw him lying on the ground. I know it is something she will never get over completely......to lose a dear friend and family member to suicide is a tragedy that you cannot find closure in.....but to be the one to discover the body is even more devastating.
My infamous quote last year during my treatment for breast cancer was "It can always be worse." I reminded myself of this so very often....Though my diagnosis was devastating, I knew there were so many women (and men) that had been handed a much more challenging diagnosis. I held onto this thought throughout the year. I've said it before and I'll say it again, "It can always be worse"
Often we find ourselves dealing with one crisis and find ourselves right in the middle of something even more devastating. Our minds and bodies are wonderful in the way that we don't really absorb it all at once. Little by little we begin to wrap our minds around the event that has turned our world upside down. We are literally in a state of shock, so to speak.
Today prayers are going up for all the people who are hurting and locked up inside themselves.....for all the people who have attempted suicide, victims and their families (survivors). Depression is a horrible disease that can be very difficult to treat; medication is not always the answer and often escalates the problem.
We have become a society of thinking a pill can take care of anything and everything. I am one that absolutely hates taking any kind of medication. Everything has side effects and risks associated with it....EVERYTHING! I preach exercise, diet, and stress reduction. Not that I always live what I preach but I do try....especially after last year!
So, today no matter what situation you might be dealing with; no matter what happens to come your way, remember, always remember......"IT CAN ALWAYS BE WORSE."
My dear mother in law has been dealing with the challenge of being married to a man who is verbally abusive and just downright mean. He is a miserable person and apparently wants everyone else to be as well. She lost her husband and father of her children almost 25 years ago. She has been with this "jerk" for 17 years. Its been a long and rocky road. Well, He (the jerk ) left her (again) the other day; I'm saying "AMEN"! She is in the midst of dealing with this crisis when she happens to be the person to discover the body of her brother in law. He was like a brother to her; she was going over to have coffee with him and as she turned the corner she saw him lying on the ground. I know it is something she will never get over completely......to lose a dear friend and family member to suicide is a tragedy that you cannot find closure in.....but to be the one to discover the body is even more devastating.
My infamous quote last year during my treatment for breast cancer was "It can always be worse." I reminded myself of this so very often....Though my diagnosis was devastating, I knew there were so many women (and men) that had been handed a much more challenging diagnosis. I held onto this thought throughout the year. I've said it before and I'll say it again, "It can always be worse"
Often we find ourselves dealing with one crisis and find ourselves right in the middle of something even more devastating. Our minds and bodies are wonderful in the way that we don't really absorb it all at once. Little by little we begin to wrap our minds around the event that has turned our world upside down. We are literally in a state of shock, so to speak.
Today prayers are going up for all the people who are hurting and locked up inside themselves.....for all the people who have attempted suicide, victims and their families (survivors). Depression is a horrible disease that can be very difficult to treat; medication is not always the answer and often escalates the problem.
We have become a society of thinking a pill can take care of anything and everything. I am one that absolutely hates taking any kind of medication. Everything has side effects and risks associated with it....EVERYTHING! I preach exercise, diet, and stress reduction. Not that I always live what I preach but I do try....especially after last year!
So, today no matter what situation you might be dealing with; no matter what happens to come your way, remember, always remember......"IT CAN ALWAYS BE WORSE."
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Searching For Rainbows
When I was going through chemo, I had these weird rhyming thoughts rambling around in my head. They were usually positive and uplifting; I think it was my spirit trying to encourage and lift me up. Whatever the reason, they were there. I wrote most of them down and even posted them on my face book page. Some of them were corny but they were a representation of what I was enduring at the time. One of my favorites went some like this........"Riding the storm, catching a wave, looking for rainbows and blessings to save."
We all do it....searching the sky after a storm looking for those brilliant colors we love so much. I saw a double rainbow once. I will never forget it! It was in Oldham County on a summers afternoon. It was breathtaking! ;)
There is another type of rainbow that we experience every day; it is a rainbow of the soul. You can call them a lot of different things but I call them blessings. The problem is, we take so many of them for granted.....One day (during chemo) I sat down and made a list of all my blessings. It was very long (30 plus) and I know there were some I probably missed. It was also very therapeutic. Its hard to feel depressed and down on your luck when you have so much to be thankful for.
Recently my son shared an experience with me and it was one of those rainbow blessings! He was making a small purchase and the clerk gave him back a $20 instead of a single dollar. Initially he was thinking...Wow! I could really use this! He was at the crossroads of making an "executive" decision...to do the right thing and return the money or pocket it for some extra cash. He returned the money to the clerk and told him of his error. He said the clerk didn't even say "thank you"! He was shocked of the lack of appreciation on the clerk's behalf. I, on the other hand, was thrilled because I knew this spoke volumes of my son's moral values and standards. My heart was warmed and full of color; I knew in that moment that my son will do just fine in life. That was a "rainbow moment".
Some days are more challenging than others in finding and recognizing our rainbows. If we have a bad day at work, its more difficult to be thankful for having a job. However, if we can find gratitude in our greatest challenges, it helps us through the valley.
During my treatment last year, I was so very grateful for my surgeons and oncologist. I made sure they knew it too! I sent them cards telling them how much I appreciated their care and hard work. Health care professionals don't get this very much. I also sent them cards before my surgery. I wanted them to know that I was totally confident in them and the healing they were bringing to my life.
So, today I'll be searching for rainbows.....looking high and low,
I know they'll be there, wherever I go!
We all do it....searching the sky after a storm looking for those brilliant colors we love so much. I saw a double rainbow once. I will never forget it! It was in Oldham County on a summers afternoon. It was breathtaking! ;)
There is another type of rainbow that we experience every day; it is a rainbow of the soul. You can call them a lot of different things but I call them blessings. The problem is, we take so many of them for granted.....One day (during chemo) I sat down and made a list of all my blessings. It was very long (30 plus) and I know there were some I probably missed. It was also very therapeutic. Its hard to feel depressed and down on your luck when you have so much to be thankful for.
Recently my son shared an experience with me and it was one of those rainbow blessings! He was making a small purchase and the clerk gave him back a $20 instead of a single dollar. Initially he was thinking...Wow! I could really use this! He was at the crossroads of making an "executive" decision...to do the right thing and return the money or pocket it for some extra cash. He returned the money to the clerk and told him of his error. He said the clerk didn't even say "thank you"! He was shocked of the lack of appreciation on the clerk's behalf. I, on the other hand, was thrilled because I knew this spoke volumes of my son's moral values and standards. My heart was warmed and full of color; I knew in that moment that my son will do just fine in life. That was a "rainbow moment".
Some days are more challenging than others in finding and recognizing our rainbows. If we have a bad day at work, its more difficult to be thankful for having a job. However, if we can find gratitude in our greatest challenges, it helps us through the valley.
During my treatment last year, I was so very grateful for my surgeons and oncologist. I made sure they knew it too! I sent them cards telling them how much I appreciated their care and hard work. Health care professionals don't get this very much. I also sent them cards before my surgery. I wanted them to know that I was totally confident in them and the healing they were bringing to my life.
So, today I'll be searching for rainbows.....looking high and low,
I know they'll be there, wherever I go!
Monday, July 4, 2011
A Broken Heart
So, I'm having a bad day; we all have them. Fact is, you can't get through life without them! My son got a phone call today. We were on our way to a July 4th cookout, swim party, celebration with family. I heard him say "oh, no. Oh my God" I was hoping it wasn't as bad as it sounded. It was. One of his best friends had been killed in a accident. He loved riding his bike. The news was he had been struck and killed while riding his bicycle. He was a drummer. He was full of life and love. He was 24 years old. He was such a handsome young man and my heart aches for my son and his friend's parents.
When we have sudden unexpected losses and hardships, its important to just take it one day at a time.....or one minute at a time, one hour at a time. Sometimes that's about all we can do! Our mind has a wonderful way of protecting us in times of shock. It only lets us absorb the crisis a little bit at a time. That's why things might seem very surreal for a period of time.
My son's heart has been broken; it is full of grief. We took the food to the party and came back home. We called out for pizza and just hung around the house. There will be no fireworks and celebrations in this house tonight. Our hearts are heavy. However, tonight I am so thankful that I have my son. I feel almost selfish in my gratitude.
Tonight our loss is heaven's gain. I know the angels are singing just a little bit sweeter.
R.I.P. David Whitney
When we have sudden unexpected losses and hardships, its important to just take it one day at a time.....or one minute at a time, one hour at a time. Sometimes that's about all we can do! Our mind has a wonderful way of protecting us in times of shock. It only lets us absorb the crisis a little bit at a time. That's why things might seem very surreal for a period of time.
My son's heart has been broken; it is full of grief. We took the food to the party and came back home. We called out for pizza and just hung around the house. There will be no fireworks and celebrations in this house tonight. Our hearts are heavy. However, tonight I am so thankful that I have my son. I feel almost selfish in my gratitude.
Tonight our loss is heaven's gain. I know the angels are singing just a little bit sweeter.
R.I.P. David Whitney
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The Calm After The Storm
After a routine mammogram showed an area of concern in my left breast, my life was quickly turned upside down. I found myself in the eye of the storm....a raging storm that I would weather for months. There were days when the clouds were dark and dreary but I tried to never lose site of my blessings. My blessings are what gave me all I needed (and then some) to make it through!
One of the things that I have learned most from "my storm" was how much it changed me as a person. I found strength and courage inside that I never knew existed. I found a sense of self that I cherish. I like the "new" me as I have a new respect for myself and my life.
So, when future storms come rolling in (and they will). I plan to put on my rain boots and dance in the rain. I promise myself to always, always look for rainbows. They're ALWAYS out there and well worth waiting for. I'll also remember we all have our storms in life, some are Spring showers and others are hurricanes. However, they always pass.....everything always does.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Finding closure with cancer
I have come to realize that finding closure with breast cancer takes a very long time; one probably never has complete closure. I am 15 months out since my diagnosis and I think I have found very small increments of feeling a release at times. I don't think it is possible to actually put something like cancer behind you. Perhaps that is o.k. as well.
Initially I thought that after healing from surgery and chemo, I would be able to move forward with my life and never look back. Today I realize that is not possible for me and probably not healthy either.
The scars are deep both physically and emotionally. To ignore them would be a dishonor to my being.
However, I refuse to allow breast cancer to consume my life. Even if one survives the dreaded disease, if it takes over every waking moment, who is the victor? Breast cancer is funny like that. It can take your life in a physical sense AND can take your life in an emotional sense as well. I refuse to give something like "invasive duct carcinoma" my joy. Rather, I will take from it! I will take great resolve, strength, courage, determination, joy, hope and faith. I will take and take and I will be the victor!
Today I am told I have a 80% survival rate. I think I have 100%!!!!! I am here today and in this moment; when its all said and done, isn't that all that really matters? So, today the sky is a little bluer, the birds sing just a bit louder, my hope is high. My strength, faith, and courage have been tested. I am the victor!
Now I know, without a doubt, that there will be more trials and tribulations down the road. It might not be cancer as each new day brings challenges all its own. Even the bible tells us to take it one day at a time. Dealing with breast cancer forces you to do just that. When we can live in the moment and focus on the day at hand, it brings peace to our souls.
So as I write about my journey, it brings healing and closure. The other day I threw away some pamphlets and magazines that were some of my "teaching tools" in dealing with chemo. As I threw them in the trash, I felt a bit of release. It was small but still a bit of letting go. So, I'll take it where I can get it. I'll do it in a way that works for me. I'll do it one moment at a time, one day at a time until one day I'll reach that 5 year mark when I can be declared a true survivor!
Initially I thought that after healing from surgery and chemo, I would be able to move forward with my life and never look back. Today I realize that is not possible for me and probably not healthy either.
The scars are deep both physically and emotionally. To ignore them would be a dishonor to my being.
However, I refuse to allow breast cancer to consume my life. Even if one survives the dreaded disease, if it takes over every waking moment, who is the victor? Breast cancer is funny like that. It can take your life in a physical sense AND can take your life in an emotional sense as well. I refuse to give something like "invasive duct carcinoma" my joy. Rather, I will take from it! I will take great resolve, strength, courage, determination, joy, hope and faith. I will take and take and I will be the victor!
Today I am told I have a 80% survival rate. I think I have 100%!!!!! I am here today and in this moment; when its all said and done, isn't that all that really matters? So, today the sky is a little bluer, the birds sing just a bit louder, my hope is high. My strength, faith, and courage have been tested. I am the victor!
Now I know, without a doubt, that there will be more trials and tribulations down the road. It might not be cancer as each new day brings challenges all its own. Even the bible tells us to take it one day at a time. Dealing with breast cancer forces you to do just that. When we can live in the moment and focus on the day at hand, it brings peace to our souls.
So as I write about my journey, it brings healing and closure. The other day I threw away some pamphlets and magazines that were some of my "teaching tools" in dealing with chemo. As I threw them in the trash, I felt a bit of release. It was small but still a bit of letting go. So, I'll take it where I can get it. I'll do it in a way that works for me. I'll do it one moment at a time, one day at a time until one day I'll reach that 5 year mark when I can be declared a true survivor!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Father's Day
Father's Day 2011 has come and gone. I attempted to cook Terry one of his favorite meals but he ended up in the kitchen himself. He wanted pinto (soup) beans, fried salmon patties, and corn bread. I baked him a spice cake w/cream cheese frosting (duncan hines)....It really looked quite pitiful! He is so kind and assured me it was delicious.
The kiddos came out to spend time with their dad; I know they both love and appreciate him so much as they should!
I found myself thinking of my dad so many times today. Its days like today that I miss him very much. Holidays, birthday and anniversaries are the most difficult. He's been gone several years now (5 to be exact) and its really hard to believe that I'll never see him again in this physical life.
I find comfort in knowing that he is and always will be a huge part of who I am; I have memories of so long ago....another time when I was a little girl and he was my hero. I would follow him everywhere and stand in his shadow. He called me "Pea". I'm not sure why unless I was so small. I absolutely craved his attention and praise.
He was a tall and lanky man with dark hair and eyes. He told corny jokes and liked to pull pranks on myself and my siblings. He liked to garden; he also liked animals. He always had several dogs it seems. He had chickens and doves. He was dad. His name was Henry. I know he loved me so very much and I am eternally grateful for that.
So, Henry know that your little "Pea" is thinking of you on this Father's Day and giving thanks for having you for my dad. I appreciate you and all you've brought into my life.
R.I.P.
The kiddos came out to spend time with their dad; I know they both love and appreciate him so much as they should!
I found myself thinking of my dad so many times today. Its days like today that I miss him very much. Holidays, birthday and anniversaries are the most difficult. He's been gone several years now (5 to be exact) and its really hard to believe that I'll never see him again in this physical life.
I find comfort in knowing that he is and always will be a huge part of who I am; I have memories of so long ago....another time when I was a little girl and he was my hero. I would follow him everywhere and stand in his shadow. He called me "Pea". I'm not sure why unless I was so small. I absolutely craved his attention and praise.
He was a tall and lanky man with dark hair and eyes. He told corny jokes and liked to pull pranks on myself and my siblings. He liked to garden; he also liked animals. He always had several dogs it seems. He had chickens and doves. He was dad. His name was Henry. I know he loved me so very much and I am eternally grateful for that.
So, Henry know that your little "Pea" is thinking of you on this Father's Day and giving thanks for having you for my dad. I appreciate you and all you've brought into my life.
R.I.P.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Beginning To Blog
So, I finally sat down and set up a blog account; I'm really not sure if this is something I will enjoy and pursue but at least I have taken the first steps. I have always kept journals and enjoyed writing; however, in the past, it has always been a very private part of my life. This, for me, will be like coming out of the closet. I think opening up will be the hardest thing to do. It will be a process but when you think about it, isn't everything in life just that....a process.
I am hopeful blogging will be like a healing balm; as I share my fears and frustrations, I will find a new norm for my life. However, I know deep inside the new norm will never be "normal". My life has now taken on new meaning that I never saw coming! I will forever be looking over my shoulder for that monster that we call breast cancer.
I have completed the surgeries and chemo; the incisions have healed. My hair has grown out again; although it is now a natural color of salt and pepper. I really like it. I don't mind being gray! So, now there is my life before cancer (BC) and after cancer (AC). I look very different than I did only one year ago. I have changed so very much physically, as well as, emotionally. Its amazing what a difference one year can make in our lives.
I am hopeful blogging will be like a healing balm; as I share my fears and frustrations, I will find a new norm for my life. However, I know deep inside the new norm will never be "normal". My life has now taken on new meaning that I never saw coming! I will forever be looking over my shoulder for that monster that we call breast cancer.
I have completed the surgeries and chemo; the incisions have healed. My hair has grown out again; although it is now a natural color of salt and pepper. I really like it. I don't mind being gray! So, now there is my life before cancer (BC) and after cancer (AC). I look very different than I did only one year ago. I have changed so very much physically, as well as, emotionally. Its amazing what a difference one year can make in our lives.
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