tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49707164455972572502024-03-19T23:17:49.745-07:00Surviving The StormDella Eaveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11625979961944407313noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-40963342032479501092020-04-24T17:10:00.000-07:002020-04-24T17:10:55.839-07:00<a name='more'></a><div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: #f4cccc; font-size: large;">Acceptance is very important in life. It doesn't mean that we've given up. It doesn't mean that we don't care. And it doesn't mean that we won't win the battle. But, what it does mean is there is no way through this...but through it! </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #f4cccc; font-size: large;">I once had a very good friend and one of her favorite quotes during trying times was "it is what it is"...meaning I've accepted my situation and I'm going to deal with it. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #f4cccc; font-size: large;">It's 2020 and we have found ourselves in the middle of a global pandemic. Every single thing is different now. Our entire way of life has changed. Businesses's have shut down. There are no church services, no dining out, no visiting family or friends, no open shops (other than essential businesses), no movie theaters, no concerts, and no schools are open. Life as we have always known it has come to a screeching halt. Our world has been turned upside down and I fear that it will never again be the same!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #f4cccc; font-size: large;">Ten years ago I went through a similar crisis. The big difference was that my crisis pretty much involved me and my health care team. My health and well being didn't depend on strangers or my next door neighbors. It didn't depend on whether people practiced social distancing or followed the rules and guidelines put in place by the governor. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #f4cccc; font-size: large;">I was handed a diagnosis that I never saw coming. I didn't feel a lump or have this nagging feeling that something was horribly wrong. I just went in for my annual routine mammogram and less than two months later, I found myself in the bowels of a Baptist hospital having major surgery. That was 10 years ago today and I'm thankful for those 10 more trips around the sun. I'm thankful for Grace, Hope, and Courage. I'm just thankful. Period! </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #f4cccc; font-size: large;">Today in the midst of a national and global health crisis...I wonder how in the hell I (we) will ever get through this. Then I remind myself that life happens one day at a time. There are no guarantees in anything about our time and space here. We're just here and we will do the best we can with what we have. In the end, "it is what it is". We cannot change a lot of things that happen to us but our power lies in the way we deal with it. </span></div>
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Della Eaveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11625979961944407313noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-91840821614064819842018-03-30T07:10:00.000-07:002018-03-30T07:42:29.156-07:00EIGHT YEARS AGO TODAY...<span style="font-size: large;">Eight years ago today I received that infamous phone call...the one that no one wants to get, the words that no one wants to hear. "You have breast cancer". I had waited days to get the results. Days of wondering and literally weeks since that initial mammogram. And now the voice on the other end of the phone was telling me just what I didn't want to hear. Words that I knew would change my life and my world forever. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The words were spinning in my head. It was as if I had been transported and living in someone else's body. A bad dream perhaps...one that desperately needed to end. "It is invasive duct carcinoma", he said. "It's estrogen positive and if you are gonna get breast cancer, this is the best kind to have. It can be treated with medication but you will possibly need surgery and follow up chemo." </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I paced the floors as we talked and my husband heard from my end of the conversation that the news wasn't what we had hoped and prayed for. "Do you have any questions", he asked. I choked out a reply and tried to hold back the tears. I didn't have a clue what to ask or what to do. I didn't know anything about this unclaimed territory. I was frightened beyond words and my world had instantly turned upside down and inside out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The days and weeks that followed became a blur of doctor visits, diagnostic tests, telling family and friends (which I think was the hardest part) and eventually surgery. Through it all, I held onto a heart of gratitude for the love, medical staff, faith and hope. I believed that I would persevere and that God still had plans for my life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">After an onslaught of surgeries, chemotherapy, and anti-estrogen medications, my body was literally changed from the inside out. This was true in a physical sense, as well as, emotionally and spiritually. Everything was altered and there was absolutely no going back. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Today I pay more attention to what I eat and drink. I am cautious about health and beauty products. (due largely to the fact that our bodies are one big sponge and everything we put on them ends up in our bloodstream) I exercise more and spend more time in nature. I am kinder to myself and have more patience with others. I understand the fragility of life but also the resilient nature of our bodies. I accept my mortality and I'm at peace with the act of transitioning to the spiritual realm. (I don't like to call it death because that sounds so final and it's not final at all) </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So, I guess one could say that breast cancer was my wake up call. It's a crying shame that it took something so ugly to help me see the real and true beauty of myself and life as a whole. </span><br />
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Della Eaveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11625979961944407313noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-41982849367093519832017-12-03T07:56:00.000-08:002017-12-03T07:56:15.491-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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DAWN. IT'S UNDER RATED!</div>
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I like getting up before sunrise when the earth is still and quiet. Sometimes in the warmer months, I sit on our porch and listen to a nearby rooster crowing. It's loud call beacons a new day. This morning there is a light frost on the ground and rooftops. Fog hangs low in the valley. It's quiet softness completes the moment. I like all the white. It makes our world seem clean and pure. But that, my friend, is an illusion.</div>
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The scene is never the same; the color of the sky constantly changes from pink to purple as the sun makes its way upward. Each moment is different than the one before so it's important not to blink. It's my favorite time of the day. Perhaps, because it seems to belong to me. That, in itself, is enough to make anyone feel special. </div>
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It's early December. Another year has come and gone. It seems to have flown by. When I look back on this past year, I realize that so very much has changed. Time has a way of getting away. It has a way of going nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Time cannot be changed, nor halted. It is misleading. We think we always have more time..... more time for holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. As each new day dawns, minutes and hours unfold. It brings with it new opportunities to make memories. A new day to live with zest, to love and laugh. But, ah, there is complacency. Sweet, sweet complacency. </div>
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One of my favorite quotes by Gilda Radner says it all. <span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: Merriweather, Georgia, serif; font-size: 14px;">“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.</span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: Merriweather, Georgia, serif; font-size: 14px;">Delicious Ambiguity.” </span><div>
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: Merriweather, Georgia, serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">"Taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next" That's what life is. Taking whatever we are dealing with and making the very best of it is an art! It is easy to savor the moment when we are on a spectacular vacation or in the arms of a treasured soul. Its a whole different story when we find ourselves thrown into a dark valley of pain and suffering. Making every moment count is one sure way of getting one up of Father Time. It takes practice. It takes time....precious time. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: Merriweather, Georgia, serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">I have a memory of a different place and time. A time when it seemed as if the clock itself had been completely rearranged. There was no tic or toc. It was 2010 and I was living in the shadows of breast cancer. With each toxic chemo treatment, time slowed to an agonizing crawl. A minute was an hour. A day was a week. A week seemed to be a month....and so on. It was absolutely the weirdest, most bizarre thing ever! This would slowly change as my cells replenished and I emerged from the "nadir" cycle. I never understood why this happened but I have some theories. At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter. For me, it was the Summer that time stood still. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: Merriweather, Georgia, serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">The sun is high in the sky now casting shadows on the porch outside my window. I step outside and hear a distant rooster crow. Fresh Autumn air fills my lungs. I watch as birds search for their morning meal. It's quiet and peaceful. Just the way I like it. A new day has dawned. For this moment in time, all is well with my soul. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: Merriweather, Georgia, serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"> We replaced the batteries in the clock on the wall yesterday. As my dear beloved dad would say, it's "not keeping good time". I suspect it has become tired and worn. It's had its day and time. Soon, there will be a new clock on the wall. A new object to cast our eyes upon as each day wanes before us. However, in the end, there will always be 24 hours and 1440 minutes in each day. All to start over in the morning because dawn is definitely underrated.! </span></span></div>
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Della Eaveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11625979961944407313noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-25950059906263469252016-10-08T12:28:00.000-07:002016-10-08T19:50:44.467-07:00Finding HOPE<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It was just an ordinary day in my ordinary life. I will always remember sitting in that small waiting room thumbing through a magazine. I found myself reading an article about six ladies who had gone through breast cancer. They all shared how their experience had made them stronger. They appreciated life more and began to make a difference in their own unique way. They started their own businesses, wrote a book, and created handmade turbans for chemo patients. I remember thinking how weird it was that such an awful experience could help someone to "find" themselves and their purpose in life. "That's all very nice", I remember saying to myself, "but that's something I will never have to deal with."<br />
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They were calling my name. I laid the magazine on the table and went into the exam room. It was time for that infamous February mammogram. What I did not know or understand was that the next few minutes would change me and my life forever.<br />
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Weeks later, I found myself returning to that small waiting room. I was searching for the magazine that I had so leisurely thumbed through. I was searching for HOPE. HOPE that my life still had meaning, that I would be "okay" as I journeyed through unknown territory. The magazine was nowhere to be found. I would have to find my HOPE somewhere else, somewhere deep inside, somewhere I had never been before.<br />
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It's been six years now. In some ways, it almost seems as if it were a dream. Or perhaps, it happened to someone else. In a sense, it did happen to someone else. There has never been a single incident in my life that so drastically changed me. It was a nightmare of making decisions and undergoing treatments. It was a defining time when I realized who my family and friends were. I was surprised, hurt, and shocked by people who had been a part of my life for a long time. Many of them had no idea what to say or what to do.....so they did nothing. <br />
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I tried to be strong. I only cried a few times because I was afraid it would make me weak. I didn't want to worry the people closest to me so I kept my innermost fears and pain inside. Some nights I would wake up shaken with fear and fright. I learned to talk myself through the anxiety and I learned to make peace with death. I learned to understand that people could hold my hand, but at the end of the day, this was a journey that I had to walk alone. <br />
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I learned more about breast cancer than I ever thought I would know. I learned about my body and my limitations. I tested myself more than I should have just because I had to prove to myself that I was stronger than I ever dreamed possible. I learned that as long as we have HOPE, then we never really lose. I learned to always believe in myself and that its really alright to cry. I learned that all those "bad things" don't just happen to other people and there are no absolutes in life. And, through it all, I learned I was blessed beyond measure. <br />
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Most importantly, I learned about the power of prayer. I learned I never walk alone...and that will never change. I learned that life will always bring trials and tribulations but I must walk in FAITH and not by sight. So, in the end, I suppose as bad as it was, breast cancer did bless me. I found my HOPE, my FAITH, and my PEACE. <br />
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<br />Della Eaveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11625979961944407313noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-23914688755626692702016-01-04T17:50:00.001-08:002017-12-02T16:53:49.018-08:00Rainbows Need Rain<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Nature's storms bring some of the most beautiful sights! We all know how awesome it is to see a rainbow. It's magical. And the flower's. Oh, My. I'm always amazed how something so lovely can come from such a tiny seed. One that is dropped in the dark earth, watered from the sky, and warmed by the sun. In a few weeks a lovely creation is born.<br />
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I spotted this beautiful double rainbow in the valley behind our house. My soul sings every time I see this array of colors in the sky. There is just something about them that fills my heart with HOPE, that reminds me that no matter what we are going through, there are always blessings to be had. Period.<br />
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Life can be just plain difficult at times. There is no denying that. I believe that when we accept this fact, when we understand that there will be good times as well as bad, then we have a greater peace. We understand that all things pass. When we are enjoying the good times....then enjoy them! Because they won't last forever. When we are in the valley, just keep on walking. You will find your way to that mountaintop someday. As my momma would have said, "mark my words".....Life constantly changes. We constantly change. Life's events, our trials and tribulations change us daily.<br />
We learn. We grow. We gain insight and wisdom. We become better individuals because of our challenges. <br />
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Breast cancer changed me more than any other life event I have experienced. And I have had several that absolutely shook my world and broke my heart. I have had great losses of family, tragedies that I have never fully accepted or understood. But when I went on that dark journey of breast cancer, it changed me from the inside out. Oh, it didn't happen overnight. It took months and years after completing treatment to make sense of my emotions, to finally grasp what had taken place in my body both physically and emotionally.<br />
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I believe I am a much better person, a stronger person who needs less and loves more. I no longer keep people in my circle because that's where they've always been. I'm willing to let go....even if it hurts. I accept my mortality....whether it breast cancer or another unknown. We're not meant to be here forever and I'm at peace with that. I accept myself in all my faults, my short comings, and mistakes. No one is perfect. I have a right to JOY and everything good that life has to offer. I respect myself and expect others to do the same. I understand that my journey is mine alone and others may not "get" where I am. I'm okay with that. I am more grateful and I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I've ever been. I find joy and peace every single day....no matter what I am worried about or dealing with. I know that life is short and we don't get a second chance. At least, not here on earth. And I'm okay with that too. In fact, I'm okay with just about everything. It's called PEACE. <br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-91166934234551385402014-03-16T10:30:00.000-07:002014-03-16T10:30:33.520-07:00SPRINGING FORWARD<i>One week till Spring. Not that anyone is counting! I truly believe, without a doubt, that this has been the longest Winter ever! Although, here in Southern Kentucky has been nothing compared to the blizzards and cold temperatures endured up North. </i><br />
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<i>Spring is my favorite season. Its a time of new life. New beginnings. An awakening of Mother Earth. It is a time to watch in wonder as the trees again come to life. Birds sing loudly searching for a mate. Frogs in the nearby pond croak reminding me that Winter is almost behind us once again. Its a time of renewal. Its a time of Hope, of Faith.</i><br />
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<i>Just a few days ago I made a big decision, one of Faith and Hope. I call those decisions Executive Decisions! I decided once and for all to go off anti-estrogen medication. I started with arimidex in the Fall of 2010; a few months later, we switched to tamoxifen. The months dragged by. Plagued by ongoing hot flashes and chronic fatigue my life was no longer my own. There were many more side effects but these were constant. </i><br />
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<i>A few months ago I began having more troubling symptoms....headaches, dizziness, disorientation. Of course, I feared the worse. My oncologist asked if I thought it was the tamoxifen. No. I really didn't. I had been on this particular medication for three years. Why now? Whatever it was, I felt like it was literally sucking the life right out of my body! Then I went off the tamoxifen.....just to see. Within three days most of the symptoms were gone. It was the tamoxifen. </i><br />
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<i>Six weeks later I go back to my oncologist. She had ordered an MRI of the brain. No, I didn't have it done. By the time it was actually scheduled, my symptoms had dissipated. I don't want to do this anymore. I tell her that I feel I've never gotten my life back since dealing with breast cancer. You can have it back in five years she said. Lets try this other medication. Aromasin. She orders the prescription. I let her. I'm still not sure what I want to do. Should I try this new medication? Try to make it another year and half.....or say enough already. Step out in Faith. Listen to my spirit. Listen to my body.</i><br />
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<i>I have forgotten what it feels like to have a body full of energy, full of adventure. I have forgotten how my life was before this nightmare began. There is a small voice inside me saying...."I'm still here". Don't forget. There is Hope. Have Faith. Lets start over! And so I will.</i><br />
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<i>I am listening to my body. I am listening and making Executive Decisions! I am listening the way I did when I made decisions regarding my surgery and treatment. I weighed my options and outcomes and made my OWN decisions based on my body and what I felt was right for me. It hasn't been easy. I again weighed the consequences. I realized that if I ever have to deal with breast cancer again, I might blame myself. Knowing there is always that possibility and also knowing the medication decreased that risk, I will step out in Faith. I know my body and it has had enough. Every fiber of my being screams for relief. </i><br />
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<i>I have made my decision and I am at PEACE with it. I will not look back. I will not have regrets. No matter the outcome, I am doing what I need to do today. There are no absolutes. No guarantees. Life is ambiguous. I accept responsibility for my decisions, for my life. I am Springing forward. Just like Mother Earth, I am longing for new life....new hope and a new beginning.</i><br />
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<i> </i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-43213110329932769532013-08-20T11:00:00.006-07:002013-08-20T11:00:58.861-07:00Rainy Days<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I have found literally every excuse in the book to keep me from writing the past several months. I sat here now not really wanting to write but needing to in the worst possible way. Writing has always been my therapy. For most of my adult life, I have realized this. It has helped me in times of loss, health crisis, relationship issues and so much more. Most everything that life has thrown my way, I have </span>used writing as a coping tool. It works pretty well for me.<br />
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I can hear the thunder rumbling outside; the sky is cloudy and it seems that still another storm is on the horizon. It has been the rainiest summer ever. Sometimes it has rained for a week or so. Not your average summer as we usually know it. <br />
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So, here I am talking about the weather when what I really want to write about is that one of my best friends is dying of cancer. Perhaps if I could just write and put my emotions out there, it will help me. It will help me deal with the surreal nature of this entire process.<br />
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The year started off bad for her when she had to put her beloved Buttons to sleep. Buttons had belonged to her sister that passed away several years ago. She said it was almost like losing her sister all over again. She was wondering how she was going to make it without her sweet companion. That was in January or early February. <br />
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Then out of the blue her sister died suddenly. It was her one and only sibling that she had left. She was also her best friend. They called each other every single morning and night to chat and check in on each other. It was sudden and unexpected. Apparently during this time, she was having some pain herself that she had checked out as soon as possible.<br />
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About two weeks later, she was dealing with a terminal diagnosis herself. I have thought about how all this has come about. She has often said that losing "June" first was meant to be. June would have worried herself sick about the diagnosis and treatment. The oncologist told her it was a very aggressive cancer and without treatment she might only live a few weeks. She chose treatment. This would buy her some time.....time to settle her sisters estate and dispose of her ashes.<br />
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Now I guess the time that was bought for her has been spent. She finished her first two treatment cycles and a CT scan showed the cancer responded well to the chemo. Most all her tumors had decreased dramatically in size. So she finished her 4 remaining treatment. Altogether she had 6 treatment cycles. She tolerated it much better than I anticipated. Of course, she lost her hair but overall, she remained fairly healthy.<br />
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Now the cancer is back and day by day is stealing her very life. She is getting weaker by the hour. Last night she was admitted as a Hosparus patient. I am hoping we can keep her comfortable and at home until the very end. I will go tomorrow to stay with her. I'm not sure how long but if she wants me to, I will stay till the very end.<br />
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Today she told me that for over a week now, there has been a woman in bed with her. She gets up trying not to disturb her and goes to sleep on the sofa. Its not anyone that looks familiar but just a woman asleep in her bed. I told her it is her angel. Perhaps it really is. I believe in angels. I believe we are never alone. I believe that God sends us just who we need to help us through the darkest of times.<br />
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I've always thought our friendship a little strange. She is 20 years older than me and we never had a lot in common. But we stayed in touch, spending time together combing through thrift stores and having an occasional lunch date. Now, perhaps I understand why. I feel God is using me to be there for her. I just know this is something I am suppose to do and so I will. <br />
I shall hold her hand and cry; we will pray and talk about what is happening to her. I will spoil her in whatever way I can. I will let her know she is not alone and she is loved.<br />
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As I prepare to travel to share in this journey, I am reminded of just how fragile that life really is. I am reminded that NO we really don't have forever. We have the here and now. That's all. That is all we ever get. I am reminded not to worry about things that don't really matter. I am reminded that money and material possessions don't really matter. It is Faith, Family, Love, Hope, Friends, Laughter, Peace, Joy........these are the things that matter. Our very life will fade away. It is the difference we make in the lives of others that will live on after we are gone.<br />
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My heart is heavy but I know my friend will be in a much better place soon. She will not be in pain. She will not be afraid and worried. She will know peace and joy in a way that we cannot begin to imagine. I will miss her so very much. We have been friends for 13 years now. There will be a huge void in my life and in my heart. I hope I can replace it with memories of the good times we've had together. She will live on in my heart and soul.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-23689645942401313972012-08-30T12:06:00.000-07:002012-08-30T12:06:02.718-07:00Sunny To Partly Cloudy!!!!!<b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">It seems like a very long time ago that I was recovering from surgery and treatment for breast cancer. In actuality it has only been two years. I'm really not sure why it seems longer than that because in another sense time seems to fly!</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I remember thinking that I just wanted to get everything over with; my plan was to have all my surgeries and treatments complete during the year of 2010. This way I could put it all behind me and get on with my life. Everything almost went as planned; I had it all finished by the end of that year. I was thrilled that I had no complications and my body was healing after being assaulted with toxic chemicals and surgical tools.</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I started on the hormone therapy arimidex. Having estrogen receptive breast cancer is the kind to have.....that is if you get breast cancer. At least, that's what my ob/gyn told me when he called to break the news. So, in the fall of 2010 I began my hormonal treatment. Arimidex is an aromatase inhibitor which is medical jargon for keeping the body from making estrogen. The side effects include extreme fatigue, joint pain and bone loss. It reduces the recurrence rate by as much as 40%!!!</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">So, on with my life I went! My husband and I took a trip to San Antonio. Each day was filled with long excursions. That's how you row when you choose to travel with him. I love it but sometimes I just struggle to keep up! I often tell him he needs a younger woman. Although I'm joking, I think there is a part of me that believes just that. When we returned home, I was exhausted! I reminded myself that my body is still recovering from chemo and to be patient.</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">After a couple of weeks rest, I head off to Florida to spend a week on the beach with my sisters. It was absolutely wonderful! The three of us had never been to the beach together and we had such fun. We laughed and cried, we walked on the beach and enjoyed beautiful sunsets together. The last day there we built a huge sandcastle. I had forgotten how much work actually goes into one of those things! I was sore for days! It was a reminder of how out of shape I was! </span></b><br />
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<b>Thanksgiving arrived and we had about 20 people for dinner. I remember thinking on Thanksgiving night that I had over extended myself. I still had Christmas decorations to get up and shopping to do! There never seemed to be enough time to get it all done. Plus, I was trying to listen to my body and rest whenever I felt the need. I often asked myself how people work during chemo; not to mention, those that run marathons and seem to have some sort of super human strength. Then I remind myself that we're all different. Its o.k. if I'm not running marathons! The most important thing is I am regaining my strength; I'm getting my life back.</b><br />
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<b>The problem was it just didn't seem like I was getting my life and myself back to normal. Things didn't seem to work for me like they did before breast cancer. I didn't like the clothes in my closet, I didn't like my home decor, I didn't even like the same foods anymore. I wasn't sure who I was. It seemed that dealing with breast cancer had stolen my identity! My life had become a series of diagnostic exams, doctor's appointments, surgeries and literally everything I did revolved around my diagnosis. I was actually having a sort of identity crisis!</b><br />
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<b>The fatigue continued and I went off the arimidex for a month. I restarted it in hopes that I would tolerate it much better the second time around. That was a pipe dream! When I realized that my bone density had decreased tremendously in the past couple of years, I made the decision to go off the arimidex for good. My oncologist switched me to tamoxifen. I knew this would be a much better choice for me.</b><br />
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<b>In the meantime, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Disease. This is an autoimmune disease whereas my body was actually being attacked by my own immune system. I went months before I was able to get in to see an endocrinologist! I thought I was dying. The fatigue was enormous; my heart rate was rapid. It was a struggle to maintain daily activities. I learned that people often have problems with their thyroid during or after chemo treatment. I'll never know whether the chemo therapy actually caused the Hashimoto's Disease. I do know I was predisposed to it as my sister and father also have been treated for it as well.</b><br />
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<b>So here I am two years later. I'm now taking a reprieve from the tamoxifen. My oncologist assured me that being off it a month would not be of any harm. The fatigue had gotten bad again. I wanted to see if there was improvement in my activity level after going off the medication. There was a great improvement! So much so that I landed myself in the ER yesterday with back spasms from muscular inflammation. </b><br />
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<b>During the past couple of years I have come to realize that I will never get my life back....the life that I had before breast cancer. I am not that person anymore. In fact, I don't even want to be her. I want to be the woman that I have come to know as my own best friend; the woman I depend on for my own peace of mind and well being. There is no going back....there is only moving forward. There will be sunny days, as well as, cloudy! I will take each as they come and look for blessings and joys along the way. </b><br />
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<b> Breast cancer does not define me but it has certainly redefined me! That's how life is! Our trials and tribulations in life mold and shape our very being. They give us strength and courage to face each day.....and to make the best of each in our own special and unique way!</b><br />
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<b>NAMASTE</b><br />
<b> </b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-88435887196661088382012-04-11T06:11:00.001-07:002012-04-11T06:15:08.820-07:00The Calm After The Storm!<h2>
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We all know what it feels like after a storm has passed; the air has a fresh smell about it. Mother earth has had a nice cleansing, the trees glisten with their freshly washed leaves. It is refreshing and a sense of renewal hangs everywhere. However, if the storm has taken lives, if it leaves a wake of damage in its path, we will probably not sense the cleansing affect of the storm. We will only see the damage, we will only see the pain and grief.</h2>
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The devastating storms that struck Kentucky and Indiana in early March took many lives and changed hearts forever. It left in its path broken buildings, dead bodies, and survivors who were in shock and grief stricken. </h2>
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It will take time for people and entire communities to rebuild their homes and lives. It will take time to heal the emotional pain and suffering. It will take time to feel somewhat "normal" again. Time is the ever present healer. However, even time cannot completely heal the wounds. Time cannot wipe away the scars that remain. Time will not erase the memories or fear of another storm on the horizon.</h2>
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Life itself is a lot like those tornados that wreaked havoc on so many. We all have many storms to endure. One thing I've come to realize, as long as we live, as long as we take another breath, there will be something dark and foreboding on the horizon. There will always be an issue, there will always be something that must be dealt with. It might be losing a job, divorce, losing a loved one, foreclosure, and it might be cancer. </h2>
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When you think about it, our storms are always about losing something or someone. If we can go through life without holding onto people and things so tightly, if we can learn to live without thinking we own things that we really don't, if we can only relax a bit and realize that everything we enjoy is only borrowed. This includes all our material possessions, the people we love, and our life itself. Everything has a beginning and an end. </h2>
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As I grow older, I am always amazed at how fast time has gone. It seems like just yesterday that our kids were small and the school and church activities were endless. I look in awe at how quickly my youth has vanished. I know that it is so important to accept and enjoy each stage of life we're in. I also know we must have peace with our past in order to have acceptance of the present and future. I know that each day, no matter what we are enduring, brings blessings to be had. </h2>
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I believe if we can accept the natural flow of life, including the aging process, then we will open our hearts and minds to enjoy each day to the fullest. If we can accept the fact that we won't live forever, that someday we will leave this life for one much better than we ever imagined, we will have made peace with the fact that we are not immortal. </h2>
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I'm not saying to give up the fight. I'm not saying to throw in the towel. Always, always give it your all. However, sometimes when we think its the end, its only the beginning! Think of the lowly caterpillar and the cocoon; when he thought it was the end, when the caterpillar is wrapped in a small and dark cocoon, when he thought it was over and done, it was only the beginning of a new and beautiful creation.</h2>
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Life is like that. We are constantly going through transitions. Most of them are so small we miss them. Many times they happen in tiny increments that take a lot of time. We are all constantly in a state of change. Even as we age and our skin starts to wrinkle and our memory is fading, we are growing in awareness of what really matters. </h2>
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I wish I had the insight thirty years ago that I have now. However, perhaps that's not how life happens. Perhaps I am just where I need to be today. Perhaps my life will come full circle and I have peace in believing that I will live each day knowing that this moment is all I have. Its all any of us have.</h2>
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We waste so much of our precious time on negative emotions. This only robs us of positive energy which brings all the good things we need to live, love, and laugh. </h2>
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Today I will listen to the birds sing, I will breathe in fresh country air, I will write, I will pray and give thanks for my many blessings. I will honor my life and who I am. I will acknowledge to our creator that I am just where I need to be and open my heart to new beginnings.</h2>
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</h2>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-44082039569631664872012-03-08T10:26:00.002-08:002012-03-08T11:23:15.496-08:00WEATHERING THE STORM<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I recently made the comment to a friend that I feel like I've never found "my way back" since treatment for breast cancer. I kept looking for something, an indication that I was back. Then I had a revelation. There is no way back! There is only moving forward and making decisions..one at a time that will bring me to a place of peace.</span></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Its been almost two years now. I can assure you it has been the longest two years of my life. It seems like forever since that initial diagnosis, surgery, and then chemo. It has changed me more than any other single event in my life....and I've had a few that were quite earth shattering to say the least.</span></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I recently had a 6 month follow up with my oncologist. I had been feeling a little blue about having to continue on medications, have regular doctor appointments and blood work. Then I walked into the waiting area of the clinic. I felt so ashamed of myself and grateful at the same time.</span></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">It doesn't take a rocket scientist to recognize someone going through chemo. The look of the living dead was all around the room. Chemo literally sucks the life out of you. The air hung heavy with fatigue, suffering, and uncertainty. </span></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Of course, I immediately felt thankful that my outcome had been so fortunate. There were no major complications from my surgery or chemo....only a long, drawn out process of healing and recovery. But that's o.k. too.</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I know it could have been so much worse and if I needed a reminder, all I had to do was look around the room.</span></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">My appointment went well. My labs were great. We discussed how I was tolerating the tamoxifen. I haven't been on it quite a year yet but it is much more tolerable than the arimidex. Fatigue is my biggest compliant but since I am still not employed, I am able to deal with it. I know I am blessed.</span></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Then its off for the annual mammogram. This was negative as well. WooHoo! That's always a difficult one to get through. Last year I had to go back for a spot compression of my right breast and it scared me to death!</span></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">So, I will continue to weather this storm....and the next...and the next. I will gain strength and courage from each challenge I must face. I will try to take life one day at a time and recognize blessings that each day brings......and there are so many! </span></b></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-7567783678348050262011-12-30T08:11:00.000-08:002011-12-30T08:11:43.030-08:00FATHER TIME<i><span style="font-size: large;">I simply don't know where the year went! It seems like a few weeks ago we were ringing in the new year of 2011; now already, we are ready to celebrate a brand new year! Father Time doesn't wait for anything or anybody....he marches to the beat of his own drum. The rhythm changes from day to day but he continues on....</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes we get a harsh reminder, an awakening of sorts that time is so very precious. We lose someone very close to us or get a potentially terminal diagnosis. It is emotionally shocking and turns our world upside down. We are forced to face the unknown which in all actuality, we do each day anyway. We are forced to reckon with Father Time! </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Father Time has brought me much pain, he has brought much joy, he has brought many, many lessons. Father Time has been my greatest teacher. He has taught me unconditional love, patience, grace, respect, courage, self-awareness, peace, faith and hope.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">He has brought me family and friendships that I treasure. He is my friend and not my foe. </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Father Time has taught me that we should enjoy each new day as if it were our last. I don't always practice this; I get caught up in everyday life just like everyone else. I am constantly reminding myself to live in the moment. </span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">When we spend our time worrying about tomorrow and living in the past, it only robs us of the present. It robs us of very precious time. It robs us of the here and now. </span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">I am ready to take Father Time by the hand and march into 2012. I am ready for abundant blessings like our new grandchild! I am anticipating travels, nature, friendships, writing. I want to finish a book (and get it published), learn to play some dulcimer! I am ready for some health and happiness. I am ready for a new job and new opportunities. I am ready for this new year, each new day and new beginnings. </span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">2012 HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!</span></i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-37580931322513988372011-10-27T06:53:00.000-07:002011-10-27T09:36:17.887-07:00HIKING MT. LECONTE: I MADE IT TO THE TOP!<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
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Terry and I @ Cliff Tops<br />
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This hike has been on my bucket list for a long, long time. A few months ago I decided it was time. I'm going to hike Mt. Leconte this year. For me, it was a symbolization that I had finally made it. I had made it through the valley and to the very top of my mountain! I knew it would be a challenge...and it was!<br />
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We begun our hike at 7:30 a.m. via Alum Cave Trail. We hiked at a gentle slop for about an hour. There was a nice rolling stream which is typical of The Smokey Mountains. <br />
Then the upward climb begun. We reached Arch Rock which was an amazing huge rock that we hiked up stairs to get through. Up and up we went. Next we reached Alum Cave. We knew this was the half way point of the trail.( Many people don't proceed past this point.) For us, it was a nice resting spot. There was no turning back now! We proceeded onward or upward should I say. The views on up the mountain were amazing. We hiked slowly so as not to miss anything. Ha. Many hikers passed us along the way; I didn't care. I just wanted to make it to the top. The last hour seemed the longest. Are we there yet? We talked with hikers coming down the mountain; one guy shared this was his 17th hike to Mt. Leconte. He had taken every trail up except one; this particular trail was his favorite, he said. <br />
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When we finally reached the top (12 noon) and it really wasn't at all what I expected. We walked down a path to some rustic cottages, found a restroom, and the "dining room". To get a really awesome view, we had to sit on the porch of the Lodge or Office. It was cold and windy! However, I was prepared. We had gloves, hats, and warmer coats. We shared a sack lunch of bagel, applesauce, oreo cookies.....and a chocolate oatmeal cookie square. Yum, yum. Oh, and hot chocolate!<br />
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The lamas were there; this was their day to bring supplies up the mountain. They come Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays via Trillium Trail. When we saw them they had been unpacked and enjoying a nice lunch of some sort of grain. <br />
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Then we found another small trail 0.2 mile that would take us further up the mountain. (Most people don't hike past the Lodge) This is where we were told we could get that awesome view. It was called Cliff Top's. It was amazing. We sat here for awhile just taking in the serenity of the place and letting the peace of these beautiful mountains soak in.<br />
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There is still another trail called Myrtles Point but its another 0.8 mile eastward. We decided this would wait for our NEXT trip. I had already decided next time would be an overnight trip. The cottages are booked up about a year in advance. They are primitive with no electricity or running water. <br />
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We visited the office before beginning our descent down the mountain. I wanted to leave by 2 p.m. as to give us plenty of time before dark. I purchased a purple long sleeve tee and I was ready! Or so I thought.<br />
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The trip down was almost as hard as trek up the mountain. However, it only took us 3 1/2 hours to descend. I was totally exhausted and wondering if either of us would be able to move tomorrow! My legs felt weak and wobbly; I stumbled more than once which made me just a little bit nervous. There were several areas that are treacherous with only a metal cable to hold onto. Hold on I did!<br />
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When we finally made it back to Alum Cave; I knew I would be o.k. The mountain becomes more forgiving from here on out. We had plenty of time before dusk so I wasn't worried about running out of daylight.<br />
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5:30 p.m. we reached the trail head. WOOHOO! Big fist bump! It was both exhausting and exhilarating. It signified to me that I "was back". I had conquered that mountain. If I could hike Mt. Leconte, then well, I've finally made it up that Mountain!<br />
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Now on to some refreshments and nourishment. Smokey Mountain Brewery.......HERE WE COME!<br />
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<span style="background-color: black;"></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-81919211382397410742011-08-27T07:29:00.000-07:002011-08-27T07:32:34.600-07:00MY SISTER-FRIENDS<span style="font-size: small;"><i>I have been so very blessed in my life......God has given me so much to enjoy, so much grace and love.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>Two of my biggest blessings are my sisters. I call them sister-friends. We have had so much fun together. When the three of us are fortunate enough to be spending time together it is a very special time.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><i> </i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>We go back into another life.....way back to a time when life was so much simpler, harder but simpler.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>We were a family of seven, 3 girls, 2 boys, and mom & dad. I was the middle child with two younger brothers and two older sisters. That was a difficult spot to be in!</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><i> We've been through so much together....marriages, divorces, pregnancy and childbirth, loss of our brothers and parents. I reminded them last year that we are more than sisters now; we are our parents, our brothers, and our past all wrapped up together. Our friendship and relationship as sisters is golden. It is sacred. </i></span><br />
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<i>They are exactly two years apart in age. Now that was some real timing on mom and dad's behalf. When we were very young, mom would often dress them alike. Then they got older and found their individuality. Next week we'll be celebrating their birthdays. We'll all be together and that's always a special treat. </i><br />
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<i>My sisters stood by me last year during the most difficult period of my life. They were there for surgery and chemo, wig shopping and beyond. We spent time together, we laughed and we cried. We hugged and we loved our way right through the year. They understood me when no one else did. We shared it all. </i><br />
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<i>After my final surgery and chemo was complete, we went to the beach together. It was the very first time we've all had a beach vacation together. We'd talked about doing it forever and we finally did! We had a wonderful time together; we watched the sting rays swim up the beach each morning as we dined on the terrace. We walked on the beach often holding hands. We enjoyed some beautiful sunsets.</i><br />
<i>On our last day, we built a big sandcastle. That was such fun. I was sore for days from all the hard work. </i><br />
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<i>So, my dearest sister-friends, as we get ready to celebrate your special days....know that you are so very dear to me. I love you both with all my heart. You are two of my greatest blessings. You are such a huge part of my world. I am thankful for you and the love and friendship we share.</i><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-63949319792883245982011-08-23T14:21:00.000-07:002011-08-27T06:36:03.189-07:00LEAVING A LEGACY<i><span style="font-size: small;">I'm beginning to think that I have "bloggers block"!!!! When I first began to blog it was intended to be focused on breast cancer; I wanted it to be inspirational and uplifting! Problem is I don't always feel positive and inspired when I want to write. Sometimes I feel tired; other times I feel uncertain. We all have good days and bad days; its part of life. Its all o.k.</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: small;">Today was a "bad day". Although I got up and walked my two hours in the early a.m., I just never could get my groove on. I feel tired and totally exhausted. I realize its probably the tamoxifen. However, I also realize it could be so many other things; it could be emotional and/or the foods I've been eating. That chocolate ice cream cone last evening was mighty good but it sure wasn't what my body needed! But then, its not all about need, is it?</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: small;">I read an obituary yesterday of a 55 year old that lost her life to breast cancer. I didn't know her personally but she lived in the same town that I grew up in. She was a mother, grandmother, wife, business person, and she was a breast cancer victim. I just haven't been able to get it out of my head. I keep thinking of her family, the loss they feel. I wonder what her diagnosis was, how many nodes were involved, her stage...and so on. I wonder how long she battled the disease and all the particulars about it! She was a beautiful lady and I know she will be dearly missed.</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: small;">My heart broke last year when Elizabeth Edward's lost her battle. She was such a warrior. She had endured so much in her personal life and it seemed so unfair that she would have to fight breast cancer as well. But then, life is not always fair. Its not always easy. It is what it is, and we just have to try and make the best of it.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: small;">So, whether we are making our way through chemo, recovering from surgery or on the losing end and in hospice care........we need to have courage; we need to have faith; we need to have love. </span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: small;"> I certainly don't know if breast cancer will take my life but I do know that something will!</span> This life isn't meant to last forever and we must try to live in the moment, in the now!</i> <i>We must try and have grace and dignity whatever our circumstances. This is the legacy we will leave for our loved ones!</i><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-41224703770405197842011-08-02T09:16:00.000-07:002011-08-02T09:16:03.655-07:00NEW LIFE<span style="font-size: large;"><i>A wren has built a nest in one of my large ferns. There were three tiny eggs in it; I've been checking it on a regular basis and trying to make sure I don't water near it. Today I looked in and there are the tiniest of baby chicks in there! They must have hatched last night. When the little bird raised its head and opened its beak, I was in awe at how life happens and how very fragile it really is.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>We got another phone call a few weeks ago from our daughter. I knew when she asked me to put her father on what she had to tell us. She is pregnant! I am so happy for the both of them; she wants to be a mother so bad. She had a miscarriage earlier in the year and wanted to get pregnant again right away....and so she did!</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i> One of the greatest miracles of this world is to have a new life growing inside you. Even though you do everything imaginable to prepare for this new little one, there is no preparing for how it will change your life. You feel love in a way you never did before; it is different from the way you love your spouse or your parents. It takes love to a whole new level.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>New life, babies of any kind are so cute. However, they all grow up. And then we grow old (if we're fortunate). See, the thing about life is, once we're born, we live our lives and don't usually know how long we have here.....Its a good thing we don't know our destiny. We would worry and try to change the outcome of our life.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>My husband is at another funeral this morning; his aunt died of cancer. She was his father's sister. He shared how he was sorry that he hadn't visited her and spent some time together. She seemed to be a very special lady he said. You see, we get so caught up in "living" that we often miss out on the people that can bring us so much joy and love. Then, when its over....well, there is no going back. We can't change the past but we can change how we live the rest of our life.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Life is a continuous cycle. We are born, we live and we die. That's just the way its suppose to be. I certainly don't know the destiny of the tiny little birds in the nest. I hope they grow and flourish; I hope they fly! I don't know the destiny of my new little grand child. I know it will be loved and cared for in a wonderful way. </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Today I celebrate new life! Whether its a survivor getting a new chance at life, a new baby chick, or a newborn babe, its all a miracle to me. Its all to be celebrated. Its all to be rejoiced! </i></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-58871111723874985302011-07-26T17:55:00.000-07:002011-08-23T13:44:54.662-07:00STORMY WEATHER<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;"><i>This time last year I was in the midst of chemo. Its amazing how much difference a year can make. Looking back now, it all seems very surreal. I would have never thought (in my wildest of dreams) that I would have been diagnosed with breast cancer. I never saw it coming. However, I got through it....with the help of Faith, Family, and Friends.</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;"><i>When I began dealing with surgeries and treatment, I really wanted to get it all finished in the year of 2010. I was able to reach my goal. 2010 will always be the year that I dealt with breast cancer. However, I also thought that I would put it all behind me and move on with my life. That is one reason I decided to do chemo. It wasn't something the doctor recommended but was entirely my choice. My oncotype dx was higher than I would have liked and I didn't want to always be looking over my shoulder for the big "C". Although my sentinel node was negative, my oncotype dx was 29. I listened to my spirit. Everything within me said do the chemo and so I did. </i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;"><i>Traveling through treatment for breast cancer was definitely the most traumatic experience I have endured. Although I know I had love and prayers, I often felt so very alone. I knew this was a journey that I had to take and no one ....absolutely no one could do it for me. I made it through the valley and I'm a much stronger person today for it.</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;"><i>There is so much to deal with when you're handed a diagnosis like cancer. Of course, you have the medical aspect of treatment, side effects from all the toxins floating around inside your body, dealing with insurance statements and paying the endless bills. It was a full time job for me keeping up with all the EOBs, matching them to bills and making sure everything was paid. I was just grateful we had the money to pay the seemingly endless bills. I think the most difficult aspect was the emotional pain. People treat you different when you have cancer. Some disappear never to be heard from again. It sure helps you "weed out" real people and, for myself, I came to the full realization that I only had a handful of people I could count on.</i></span></span><br />
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</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;"><i>I had a friend tell me not to long ago that he was sorry that he wasn't there for me last year like he should have been. Oh, I got a few phone calls from him throughout the summer but he never came to visit. He wasn't present but then, so many other people weren't either. I was impressed that he even knew he wasn't there for me. </i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;"><i>Then you have other people who treat you like you're dying.....well, aren't we all! I have people who ask....are you in remission? Completely ....I say. Although I've never had a PET scan or tumor marking, I believe myself to be completely cancer free. </i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;"><i>I shared with someone a few days ago that I have been walking 2-3 miles each morning. We've been getting up and walking before sunrise just trying to beat the heat. I know that exercise is so very important in helping to ensure I don't have to deal with this monster again. Anyway, this lady asks "should you be doing that?" ....like I'm an invalid or something. </i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;"><i>I feel very different than I did one year ago; I look very different as well. I decided not to color my hair and it is salt and pepper. Its very short. I like it. Its the new me. I've lost about 10 pounds but that was due to my thyroid issue after treatment. Most importantly, I feel very different inside. </i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;"><i> I know that life will always bring storms and sometimes we might have to dance in the rain. I know that as long as there are people in our lives, they will disappoint us....I know that I have inner strength and courage that I never knew existed. I know that life is short and we really don't have forever to do whatever it is we're here for. I know there is a place to go inside when I am scared or confused. I know that I am not afraid to die and it will be a wonderful transition into the spiritual realm. I know the power of prayer. I know that bad things don't just happen to other people. I know that we are suppose to live our lives one day at a time.......</i></span></span><br />
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</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;"><i>For many, the calm after the storm isn't quite as calm as we thought it would be. The effects of chemo don't quite go away after treatment is finished. There can be neuropathy and permanent damage to vital organs. I'm not sure if the chemo caused my thyroid issue but I have read where many people developed thyroid problems while being treated with chemo. It really doesn't matter. It is what it is. I will have to take synthroid for the rest of my life; I will also have to take tamoxifen for 5 years. So far, the side effects from that hasn't been too bad. .......other than those horrid hot flashes. At times I feel like I'm going to spontaneous combust!</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;"><i>My storm brought challenges, it gave me insight and wisdom. However, the calm that I thought would come after making it through treatment really doesn't exist. It is an illusion. Pehaps as the years go by and I make it through that 5 year window.....perhaps as the emotional wounds heal and the body fully recovers from chemo. Perhaps there really is a calm after the storm but I haven't gotten there yet? Perhaps?</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;"><i> Today I take nothing for granted.....NOTHING. I don't know what storms tomorrow might bring but I do know that I am strong. I am a survivor. </i></span></span><br />
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</i></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-76029415705293502472011-07-18T05:07:00.000-07:002011-07-18T05:07:00.196-07:00IT CAN ALWAYS BE WORSE!<i>Gilda Radner's famous line as Rosa Anna Rose Annadanna was "Its always something". I think she was onto something there! It is always something and as we live our life, each day will bring new trials and challenges of its own! The secret is, (I think) to learn to meet these challenges head on, learn and grow from them....this will prepare you for the next! </i><br />
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</i><br />
<i>My dear mother in law has been dealing with the challenge of being married to a man who is verbally abusive and just downright mean. He is a miserable person and apparently wants everyone else to be as well. She lost her husband and father of her children almost 25 years ago. She has been with this "jerk" for 17 years. Its been a long and rocky road. Well, He (the jerk ) left her (again) the other day; I'm saying "AMEN"! She is in the midst of dealing with this crisis when she happens to be the person to discover the body of her brother in law. He was like a brother to her; she was going over to have coffee with him and as she turned the corner she saw him lying on the ground. I know it is something she will never get over completely......to lose a dear friend and family member to suicide is a tragedy that you cannot find closure in.....but to be the one to discover the body is even more devastating.</i><br />
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<i>My infamous quote last year during my treatment for breast cancer was "It can always be worse." I reminded myself of this so very often....Though my diagnosis was devastating, I knew there were so many women (and men) that had been handed a much more challenging diagnosis. I held onto this thought throughout the year. I've said it before and I'll say it again, "It can always be worse"</i><br />
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<i>Often we find ourselves dealing with one crisis and find ourselves right in the middle of something even more devastating. Our minds and bodies are wonderful in the way that we don't really absorb it all at once. Little by little we begin to wrap our minds around the event that has turned our world upside down. We are literally in a state of shock, so to speak. </i><br />
<i> </i><br />
<i>Today prayers are going up for all the people who are hurting and locked up inside themselves.....for all the people who have attempted suicide, victims and their families (survivors). Depression is a horrible disease that can be very difficult to treat; medication is not always the answer and often escalates the problem. </i><br />
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<i> We have become a society of thinking a pill can take care of anything and everything. I am one that absolutely hates taking any kind of medication. Everything has side effects and risks associated with it....EVERYTHING!</i> <i>I preach exercise, diet, and stress reduction. Not that I always live what I preach but I do try....especially after last year!</i><br />
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<i>So, today no matter what situation you might be dealing with; no matter what happens to come your way, remember, always remember......"IT CAN ALWAYS BE WORSE." </i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-19384808124529539912011-07-06T04:17:00.000-07:002011-07-06T04:17:23.786-07:00Searching For Rainbows<span style="font-size: large;"><b>When I was going through chemo, I had these weird rhyming thoughts rambling around in my head. They were usually positive and uplifting; I think it was my spirit trying to encourage and lift me up. Whatever the reason, they were there. I wrote most of them down and even posted them on my face book page. Some of them were corny but they were a representation of what I was enduring at the time. One of my favorites went some like this........"Riding the storm, catching a wave, looking for rainbows and blessings to save."</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>We all do it....searching the sky after a storm looking for those brilliant colors we love so much. I saw a double rainbow once. I will never forget it! It was in Oldham County on a summers afternoon. It was breathtaking! ;)</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>There is another type of rainbow that we experience every day; it is a rainbow of the soul. You can call them a lot of different things but I call them blessings. The problem is, we take so many of them for granted.....One day (during chemo) I sat down and made a list of all my blessings. It was very long (30 plus) and I know there were some I probably missed. It was also very therapeutic. Its hard to feel depressed and down on your luck when you have so much to be thankful for.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Recently my son shared an experience with me and it was one of those rainbow blessings! He was making a small purchase and the clerk gave him back a $20 instead of a single dollar. Initially he was thinking...Wow! I could really use this! He was at the crossroads of making an "executive" decision...to do the right thing and return the money or pocket it for some extra cash. He returned the money to the clerk and told him of his error. He said the clerk didn't even say "thank you"! He was shocked of the lack of appreciation on the clerk's behalf. I, on the other hand, was thrilled because I knew this spoke volumes of my son's moral values and standards. My heart was warmed and full of color; I knew in that moment that my son will do just fine in life. That was a "rainbow moment".</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Some days are more challenging than others in finding and recognizing our rainbows. If we have a bad day at work, its more difficult to be thankful for having a job. However, if we can find gratitude in our greatest challenges, it helps us through the valley. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>During my treatment last year, I was so very grateful for my surgeons and oncologist. I made sure they knew it too! I sent them cards telling them how much I appreciated their care and hard work. Health care professionals don't get this very much. I also sent them cards before my surgery. I wanted them to know that I was totally confident in them and the healing they were bringing to my life. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>So, today I'll be searching for rainbows.....looking high and low,</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>I know they'll be there, wherever I go!</b></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-46660246601928519502011-07-04T18:24:00.000-07:002011-07-04T18:24:56.698-07:00A Broken HeartSo, I'm having a bad day; we all have them. Fact is, you can't get through life without them! My son got a phone call today. We were on our way to a July 4th cookout, swim party, celebration with family. I heard him say "oh, no. Oh my God" I was hoping it wasn't as bad as it sounded. It was. One of his best friends had been killed in a accident. He loved riding his bike. The news was he had been struck and killed while riding his bicycle. He was a drummer. He was full of life and love. He was 24 years old. He was such a handsome young man and my heart aches for my son and his friend's parents.<br />
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When we have sudden unexpected losses and hardships, its important to just take it one day at a time.....or one minute at a time, one hour at a time. Sometimes that's about all we can do! Our mind has a wonderful way of protecting us in times of shock. It only lets us absorb the crisis a little bit at a time. That's why things might seem very surreal for a period of time. <br />
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My son's heart has been broken; it is full of grief. We took the food to the party and came back home. We called out for pizza and just hung around the house. There will be no fireworks and celebrations in this house tonight. Our hearts are heavy. However, tonight I am so thankful that I have my son. I feel almost selfish in my gratitude.<br />
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Tonight our loss is heaven's gain. I know the angels are singing just a little bit sweeter. <br />
R.I.P. David WhitneyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-51583137790338898252011-06-28T05:36:00.000-07:002011-06-28T05:46:09.529-07:00The Calm After The Storm<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoh_T0gYcNAgm1OMsuarispk6XTk-wx2yj-TwJ4shq5ZXVfa-0S_JGKYgXXP19sFQsDa02BdjSPNjFYgBahJT8Dm8WrAiuqBnp-Y3cnZ37ML0Bo4YceSGKiLCk4jMg1rVH7nfhuQUfzvE/s1600/Dale+Hollow+Lake+Sunsets+4-06-35.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoh_T0gYcNAgm1OMsuarispk6XTk-wx2yj-TwJ4shq5ZXVfa-0S_JGKYgXXP19sFQsDa02BdjSPNjFYgBahJT8Dm8WrAiuqBnp-Y3cnZ37ML0Bo4YceSGKiLCk4jMg1rVH7nfhuQUfzvE/s320/Dale+Hollow+Lake+Sunsets+4-06-35.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Hearing the diagnosis of "you have breast cancer" was something I never saw coming. I even remember thinking at times that would be something I would never have to face. How closed minded can one actually be???? Really?!<br />
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After a routine mammogram showed an area of concern in my left breast, my life was quickly turned upside down. I found myself in the eye of the storm....a raging storm that I would weather for months. There were days when the clouds were dark and dreary but I tried to never lose site of my blessings. My blessings are what gave me all I needed (and then some) to make it through!<br />
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One of the things that I have learned most from "my storm" was how much it changed me as a person. I found strength and courage inside that I never knew existed. I found a sense of self that I cherish. I like the "new" me as I have a new respect for myself and my life. <br />
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So, when future storms come rolling in (and they will). I plan to put on my rain boots and dance in the rain. I promise myself to always, always look for rainbows. They're ALWAYS out there and well worth waiting for. I'll also remember we all have our storms in life, some are Spring showers and others are hurricanes. However, they always pass.....everything always does.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-71775860777944962702011-06-23T13:39:00.000-07:002011-06-23T13:39:00.660-07:00Finding closure with cancer<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I have come to realize that finding closure with breast cancer takes a very long time; one probably never has complete closure. I am 15 months out since my diagnosis and I think I have found very small increments of feeling a release at times. I don't think it is possible to </span>actually put something like cancer behind you. Perhaps that is o.k. as well. <br />
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Initially I thought that after healing from surgery and chemo, I would be able to move forward with my life and never look back. Today I realize that is not possible for me and probably not healthy either.<br />
The scars are deep both physically and emotionally. To ignore them would be a dishonor to my being.<br />
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However, I refuse to allow breast cancer to consume my life. Even if one survives the dreaded disease, if it takes over every waking moment, who is the victor? Breast cancer is funny like that. It can take your life in a physical sense AND can take your life in an emotional sense as well. I refuse to give something like "invasive duct carcinoma" my joy. Rather, I will take from it! I will take great resolve, strength, courage, determination, joy, hope and faith. I will take and take and I will be the victor! <br />
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Today I am told I have a 80% survival rate. I think I have 100%!!!!! I am here today and in this moment; when its all said and done, isn't that all that really matters? So, today the sky is a little bluer, the birds sing just a bit louder, my hope is high. My strength, faith, and courage have been tested. I am the victor! <br />
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Now I know, without a doubt, that there will be more trials and tribulations down the road. It might not be cancer as each new day brings challenges all its own. Even the bible tells us to take it one day at a time. Dealing with breast cancer forces you to do just that. When we can live in the moment and focus on the day at hand, it brings peace to our souls.<br />
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So as I write about my journey, it brings healing and closure. The other day I threw away some pamphlets and magazines that were some of my "teaching tools" in dealing with chemo. As I threw them in the trash, I felt a bit of release. It was small but still a bit of letting go. So, I'll take it where I can get it. I'll do it in a way that works for me. I'll do it one moment at a time, one day at a time until one day I'll reach that 5 year mark when I can be declared a true survivor!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-69971236551022815722011-06-19T20:05:00.000-07:002011-06-19T20:05:44.856-07:00Father's Day<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Father's Day 2011 has come and gone. I attempted to cook Terry one of his favorite meals but he ended up in the kitchen himself. He wanted pinto (soup) beans, fried salmon patties, and corn bread. I baked him a spice cake w/cream cheese frosting (duncan hines)....It really looked quite pitiful! He is so kind and assured me it was delicious.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The kiddos came out to spend time with their dad; I know they both love and appreciate him so much as they should!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I found myself thinking of my dad so many times today. Its days like today that I miss him very much. Holidays, birthday and anniversaries are the most difficult.</span> He's been gone several years now (5 to be exact) and its really hard to believe that I'll never see him again in this physical life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I find comfort in knowing that he is and always will be a huge part of who I am; I have memories of so long ago....another time when I was a little girl and he was my hero. I would follow him everywhere and stand in his shadow. He called me "Pea". I'm not sure why unless I was so small. I absolutely craved his attention and praise. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">He was a tall and lanky man with dark hair and eyes. He told corny jokes and liked to pull pranks on myself and my siblings. He liked to garden; he also liked animals. He always had several dogs it seems. He had chickens and doves. He was dad. His name was Henry. I know he loved me so very much and I am eternally grateful for that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So, Henry know that your little "Pea" is thinking of you on this Father's Day and giving thanks for having you for my dad. I appreciate you and all you've brought into my life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">R.I.P.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4970716445597257250.post-35254444284901867492011-06-17T18:03:00.000-07:002011-06-17T18:03:22.250-07:00Beginning To BlogSo, I finally sat down and set up a blog account; I'm really not sure if this is something I will enjoy and pursue but at least I have taken the first steps. I have always kept journals and enjoyed writing; however, in the past, it has always been a very private part of my life. This, for me, will be like coming out of the closet. I think opening up will be the hardest thing to do. It will be a process but when you think about it, isn't everything in life just that....a process.<br />
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I am hopeful blogging will be like a healing balm; as I share my fears and frustrations, I will find a new norm for my life. However, I know deep inside the new norm will never be "normal". My life has now taken on new meaning that I never saw coming! I will forever be looking over my shoulder for that monster that we call breast cancer.<br />
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I have completed the surgeries and chemo; the incisions have healed. My hair has grown out again; although it is now a natural color of salt and pepper. I really like it. I don't mind being gray! So, now there is my life before cancer (BC) and after cancer (AC). I look very different than I did only one year ago. I have changed so very much physically, as well as, emotionally. Its amazing what a difference one year can make in our lives.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2